Oiling the Rusty Hands

I have abandoned writing for so long. My last post was I was back. And then I was gone again. LOL!

All I know now is to write work emails, memos, letters, policy…… With the pandemic, I must say I am so bloody good at writing policy and setting up SOPs. LOL. Not that I wasn’t good at it, but now I am extremely good. Okay, enough of the self-praise. Hahaha.

Not just writing, all that I read now is mostly news, policy, SOPs, webinars and articles on how to add value to myself and my job. Picked up Stephen King new book, Outsider, early this year. Guess what, I’m only half way through.

This is the 3rd week I’m working from home after returning to office for a month. Was working from home for 3 good months since March. Was so happy that we got to go back to work in September. And the 3rd wave of outbreak came. Sigh. Just hope that things would get better.

5 years into my current job. And I’m already 40. At this age, you realised a lot of things.

I do not waste so much of energy pleasing everyone.

I do not waste my breath arguing with idiots anymore.

I do not care so much about who like/dislike me.

I do not even care if someone hates me.

Time is precious. No point wasting it on unimportant things and people. Can’t believe that it took me so long to realise this. I’m still learning, 70% there I think.

So, it’s time to pick up the “pen”, give these rusty hands and mind some good oiling and practice. Reading and writing, still my passion.

Got to continue with my painting too.

Painted this during the lockdown.

Hello World, Again

Oh my gosh, it’s been 2 and a half years since I last blogged!

A lot has happened and I hardly have time for blogging now.

I quit my 9-year job back in 2015. Office was relocating to somewhere that would be too far for me to travel to. I thought it was right timing, I wanted to become a stay-at-home-mom and start some home-based business. However, things didn’t go as planned. I was depressed for a while as I couldn’t find a way out. The great support and encouragement from Andrew made this optimist picked up her spirit again and moved on.

Gotten a new job in a month’s time. New job, new challenges, I seriously do not have the extra time and energy to blog. Work late almost everyday. If Lucy hasn’t slept by the time I reach home, I will put her to bed. Usually after dinner, it would be 10pm or 11pm. I hardly have time for myself, let alone blog.

I’m with the new company for 2 years plus, but it feels like I’ve been here for 10 years. Doing my best to build my legacy here. I hope when I leave, people will still remember the efforts that I’ve made, the blood that I’ve shed (ok ok… exaggerating a bit lah).

Lucy is 3 now. Started half-day nursery few weeks ago. Tough job. Everyday told me that she doesn’t want to go to school, cries everyday except on second day (what an angel we thought). Every time the teacher peels her away from us makes me wonder if this would leave her feeling traumatic and later in life she may develop some trauma childhood syndrome and then she will fail at everything in life and then……. Alright, mommy thinks too much. I just wish she would enjoy school and have fun.

Anyway, I’m back. What prompted me to blog again? A great candidate I met in an interview. Reading her blog sparked that little fire in me again. I thought “what happened to me? How could I abandon that one thing that I love doing? Isn’t writing therapeutic to me?” So, here I am.

My writing gets so rusty now. Other than the boring corporate messages that I’ve to write almost everyday, I’ve forgotten creative writing and how to structure my thoughts. No wonder recently I found myself talking longer than usual to get my points across.

This is Ashley. You are reading my blog. Welcome and thank you.

Terminator Genisys

I watched Terminator Genisys alone. Yes, you read me right, A.L.O.N.E. I swore many many years ago that I’ll never watch movie alone again, that feelings sucks. Well, look…… You can never say things too early! It was Raya’s eve, company half day off. So I took the opportunity to go catch a movie since Andrew wasn’t keen in that movie either. Surprisingly, this time I don’t feel the awkwardness and loneliness like the first time. I have a feeling that I’ll be doing this more often. Sigh……

I love the movie!!! Andrew just didn’t know what he was missing!!!

Oh well, despite some unexplained plots/points (I can live with them), I enjoyed the movie. Especially the humours. Arnold, although old, still kicks ass! This movie also made his character more human.

And finally, Kyle Reese did not die. LOL! And the most handsome Kyle Reese of the series. Hahahaha.

Fast & Furious 7 – Things Are Never Going To Be The Same

The first movie I watched after delivery. It was already labelled as a MUST-WATCH for Andrew and I even before it was out.

The whole movie, I only focused on one PERSON, Paul Walker. Trying very hard to remember every bit of him. I can’t believe that this is his last movie, we are never going to see him in action again. How sad……

I guess they re-filmed some parts of the movie, because the conversations were just too apt to prepare for his departure. It made the whole movie even sadder. I love the ending…… that he is home. Not away, but just simply, HOME.


My Baby Teaches Me To Be Patient

I have a short temper. My temper comes very fast, but it goes very fast too. That also means I am impatient.

I can take your crap, but not for long before I start saying something that will really piss you off. When I say piss you off means it “burns”. LOL!

Before becoming a parent, my biggest fear was I couldn’t give my child the best, financially.

After becoming a parent, my now biggest fear is my temper will have a negative impact on my child.

When Lucy was a few weeks old, one night, I shouted at her when she refused to sleep. She startled and looked at me wide-eyed, not able to comprehend my loud voice and emotion. Immediately I felt the guilt and I said sorry to her.

There was another time I hugged her tightly in an attempt to calm her down (after 45 minutes of rocking and walking and singing), then I realised I was feeling angry and I let go of my grip. She did calm down, and gave me the brightest smile. Again, I felt guilty and told her I will not do that again.

One night, I was crying with Lucy in my arms when she refused to sleep. I was so tired and this little human refused to sleep. I was stunned by what happened next. She reached up and touched my face with her hand. When I looked at her, she was all calm and cool, her eyes were like asking me “what happened mommy”. That moment, I finally realised, that she can sense my mood.

From that day onwards, I always tell myself, be calm because if I wasn’t calm, Lucy wouldn’t be calm too.

Guess what, she can now fall asleep faster and better.

Occasionally when she does not want to sleep (due to over-stimulated, over-excited or after a long nap in the evening), I don’t stress about it anymore. I’ll just play with her until she’s tired. Of course there are still times I would raise my voice, but just to show her that I am not happy with her not sleeping.

It’s very tiring. Especially lately she’s been waking up in the middle of the night asking for milk. She used to sleep through the night, but now she’s waking up twice, once in the middle of the night, once in the very early morning. I just keep telling myself that it is just a stage and things will get better when she starts solid food later. True enough, lately she’s slowly adjusting herself to sleep through the night. I guess it was just her growth spurt back then.

She’s generally a happy baby.

Lucy is teaching mommy how to be patient. No one can be a better teacher than her.

P.S.: You have no idea what a child can do to test your patience.

Is It Going To Get Better?!

I’ve blogged about the Shitty Memory after given birth. Now I wonder if it will get better. -___-

The recent incident got more ridiculous……

Was having lunch with Andrew in a Japanese restaurant. When we were done:

Me: Let’s go. *Grabbed my bag and ready to go*

Andrew: Okay. *Grabbed a piece of paper on the table*

I happily walked out the restaurant, waiting for Andrew to catch up. 5 seconds later and I didn’t see him by my side. I thought, “why this fella today walk so slow”. I continued with my people watching at the entrance of the restaurant while waiting for Andrew to come out. Another few seconds went pass and I was like “WTF…… What is this fella doing inside, still not coming out!” I turned and looked inside the restaurant to look for him. There, found him standing at the cashier. I finally realised, “shit…… we’ve not paid for our lunch!” LMAO!!!!!!!!

I ran back in laughing and saw this bugger was laughing too.

Andrew: I knew you must have forgotten that we’ve not paid! Saw you walking out selamber je (means relax).

Me: Luckily I came with you, or else people would have thought I wanted to eat free! Wuahahahahahahaha.

Oh gosh…… Something is eating away my memory slowly.

This is not just it. Many times I went shopping alone, I went to the wrong floor or place. Not because I did not know the location, it was all because I forgot where I was walking to!

I have so many things on my mind that sometimes I forgot that I was walking. When I suddenly came to my senses, I found that I was at the wrong place.

Many times, I would ask someone if I’ve told them something because I can’t remember if I have. :(

Blame it on the recent events that took place, worsen my already poor memory.

Are You Okay?

Two months ago, received some bad news at work. Since I had to work out the schedule and costs for the bosses, and keep it confidential, I did not have time to think about how it affects ME.

Days went by, weeks went by, I was so bogged down with the work. The reality and feelings had no chance to sink in. I know it would affect me for certain, and that’s it. I did not know what will hit me though.

Until few weeks ago, the ball finally started rolling. I finally had the time to take a breather, and everything came tumbling down on me.

Sitting down, looking at the letter that I drafted, written, typed, printed, folded, I was overwhelmed by feelings and emotions. Happy that I finally get the push to start planning for a different future, sad that my journey with the company would be cut short, fear of the uncertainty of the future, doubt the decisions that I would be making……

The events that unfold in the following week, got me heartbroken, sad, worried, confused, angry…… All the plans I had in mind have to hold, my dreams will have to wait again.

My feelings were so overwhelmed that I couldn’t find a way to let them all out. I sort of swallowed all of them instead of pouring them out. I did talk to Andrew, but I thought I was matured enough to handle my feelings well. The feelings never went away. In fact, they built up so quickly that I wasn’t even aware that I was at the brink of a breakdown. Until one particular night, I got so angry with Andrew during the dinner over something very small. I snapped and cried my heart out in the bathroom, alone.

Later that night, Andrew asked me one question and that was when I couldn’t hold it anymore.

“Hey, are you okay?” He asked.

He must have sensed something. That one simple question was enough to trigger every emotions. I shook my head, that I’m not okay and cried for another 15 minutes.

I didn’t realise I was so tensed and stressed. I didn’t take time to really think about all of it and I brushed it off when it was actually bothering me.

I was at the edge. Not knowing what to do next.

That one question, pulled me back to the situation now and gave me a chance to release it all.

I managed to sort out my thoughts after that. The future is still uncertain, but at least I know what my options are. I still have fear, but knowing that there will still be a future is at least comforting.

If you have friends or family going through a difficult time, please take time to show that you care. Put your hands around their shoulders and ask them with your heart, “are you okay”. Be a good listener, give them a hug and assure them that you’ll be there for them no matter what.

Sometimes, all we need is just a shoulder to cry on.

Fish Avenue Back On WordPress Domain (UPDATED July 2015)

Dear readers, I am not using my domain name ashwoo.com anymore.

My blog is back on fishavenue.wordpress.com. Please change your bookmark (ala… as if I got a lot of readers who bookmarked my blog. LOL!) and link and whatever accordingly.

I am keeping my domain name for some other purposes, which I will reveal in the future. Hopefully soon.

Also, it is so darn expensive now to map domain name, our RM currency is RM3.75 to USD1!!!

AND, I may be out of job soon. Have to watch every penny I spend now.

That’s all for now. :)

Update 31 July 2015: Fish Avenue is once again back on ashwoo.com. Exchange rate is at RM3.81 now, but since I won’t be using the domain for other purposes for the time being, might as well just continue mapping it to Fish Avenue.

My Rainbow

Do you know that a child born after a miscarriage is called a rainbow baby?

Lucy is my special rainbow baby, after 2 miscarriages.

Just when I was about to move on with my life of not having a baby, rainbow happened.

After the second miscarriage in late 2013, I was heartbroken. I was not desperately for a baby, my heart broke because it’s another live gone. My body and mental just couldn’t take the disappointment again.

I went for my long overdue pap-smear in early May 2014, wanted to move on. I even had plans to go Tibet and Mount Everest base camp with Andrew in 2015. We both decided it’s time to stop thinking about the baby and focus on ourselves. My gynae even suggested to me to take the Hepatitis B injections since I stopped planning for baby. I told him I needed some time to think about the injections (not cheap ok). It was a blessing in disguise that I did not take the first injection that day.

Early of June 2014, I found out I was pregnant and I was both shocked and disappointed. I have so many plans and all of a sudden they went down the drain.

Took me quite a while to accept the reality. And took me a long time to stop worrying about miscarriage.

Everyone would ask me why I named her Lucy. I can’t tell you exactly why. The name appeared few months into the pregnancy, even before we know the gender. I told Andrew if it’s a girl I would want to name her Lucy, and I had a strong feeling that it was going to be a girl.

I got curious why would the name appear out of no where and I felt so strongly to it. I went Google the meaning of the name, partly also I want to make sure it doesn’t mean something negative. Wikipedia says:

Lucy is an English and French feminine given name derived from Latin masculine given name Lucius with the meaning as of light (born at dawn or daylight, maybe also shiny, or of light complexion). Alternative spellings are Luci, Luce, Lucie. Lucy is also an American, Australian, Canadian, English, Irish, Scottish, Welsh and French surname.

LIGHT! How apt. She was the light at the end of the tunnel, just when I thought all hopes were gone. There she came, brighten up our life.

Lucy, truly my light, my rainbow.

Just Because He HELPS

…… doesn’t mean he’s not taking the responsibility of our child.

Yes, the child belongs to both parties. When one party does more than the other, we often say “he doesn’t help much”, or “she helps a lot”. It’s just a common thing for us to say, sometimes it means no harm. Of course, I will get upset too if Andrew were to say “hey look, I did HELP you to change Lucy’s diaper”. Look, I know you did, but do you have to mention it on purpose? What do you want? So that I could THANK you? Or praise that you’re a good father?

In reality, Andrew does take care of our baby. However, he’s doing less of that recently because he knows I will want to do everything. To some extent, that’s true. I love taking care of my baby girl because I love to talk to her and bond with her. However, it wouldn’t hurt if he could take the initiative to wash the bottles, do the laundry and fetch the bottle when it’s time to feed. I kind of miss the first month, where he took good care of the baby especially during the night, he would get up when baby got up, changed her diaper, soothed her when she cried, fed her while I was pumping, washed my pump and the bottles……

Every now and then, I will say “thank you” to him. He would dismiss it by saying “silly, I’m just doing what I should be doing”. Yes, he is, but I just want him to know I appreciate what he did.

Recently I just told him, “you’re not very involved in taking care of Lucy anymore, you don’t even change her diaper now. You just like to sit there talk to her, or sometimes sit there with her staring at you and you watching TV”. I even told him that he doesn’t offer to wash the bottles like he used to. And I told him I would like him to at least HELP me wash the bottle during night feed. These days, he doesn’t even have to get up during the night because he knows very well I will be doing everything. Sometimes it does piss me off a little to see him sleeping soundly and I’m all awake feeding the baby. I am willing to do all this, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to do!

What prompted me to write this is this –> Just Because I Get Up in the Night Doesn’t Mean I Deserve Praise

No, I will not PRAISE Andrew too. I will not praise and say that he is a good father just because he gets up in the night. I too will not praise him for changing the diaper. BUT, I will say “thank you”.

I know a lot of people will tell me that I have a good husband and I should be grateful. Yes, who said that I’m not grateful. I am. I’m happy that he HELPS. He knows he has his limits in taking care of baby, he knows I am better at it. So, it’s only natural that I do more. When he does less, it’s natural for us to say that he “helps”. We all know that he doesn’t just help, he takes care of our baby.

I always say, “I go shower, you HELP me look after her for a while”.

“PLEASE watch over her, I’m going to do the laundry.”

“Can you HELP me wash the bottle?”

Whenever I asked, he would say OK. So, I learned the trick. I have to open my mouth and ask him to do it.

There’s nothing wrong in saying that he HELPS and to thank him.

Yes, it’s a partnership. You do say thank you’s in partnership though.