When Being The Best Is Not Enough
15 years of friendship, been through all the ups and downs together. I was so full of confidence that nothing could tear us apart and the friendship would grow stronger. I overestimated our friendship. Or I shall say, I overestimated myself to have the strength to maintain a friendship with her.
I may not be a good friend, but whenever she needed help, I would have done all I could to be there. When she needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there ready to take in all her craps. When she wanted a companion during her low times, I compromised my other commitments to be with her. I was prepared to be there for her, all she needed to do was just ask and call.
She is a person who would always want to share her feelings and thoughts with me. I appreciate her trust in me. On the other hand, I am not one that would share every little thing with a friend. I share when I feel there is a need. It is so often that she misunderstood I did not treat her as a best friend.
I love to comfort and advise. At times, I realised I have talked too much. Sometimes all she wanted was a listener. I have offended her a few times too when I said the hardest thing to bring her back to the reality. I admitted I was wrong and I apologised. I am fortunate that I was forgiven too. To avoid hurting her again, I chose not to talk or comment so much. After all, she is an adult, she knows exactly what to do. I, as a best friend, should give her the support that she needed.
I talked less, and listened more. I was happier that way. But she didn’t feel the same. She said I have changed and I was ignoring her by not talking to her. I was disappointed that she felt that way. Obviously, talking and listening too much weren’t all she wanted. I did not know what she wanted from me anymore. However, I was too stubborn to let go. No, I shouldn’t let go of something I have put so much effort in. That is just not me, I never give up easily. I picked up the pieces, moved on. Communicated with her all over again and I thought we have finally reached some mutual understanding that could make our friendship last forever.
When she is busy, she expects me to accommodate to her busy schedule. When I am busy, she expects me to accommodate to her out of my busy schedule. I grumbled a bit, but I did all I could. Sometimes I disappointed her, I am sorry. But I know I have done my best.
For her, I never ask for anything in return. It has never crossed my mind to ask her to repay any of my kindness. I believe the friendship was mutual. It was so sweet of her to always insist on sending me home because she feels guilty of asking me out. I’ve told her don’t be, as she is “the only one that I’d never get calculating with”.
After so long, I now feel like a drying well. I have been providing and giving constantly. She never notices how much is left of me to be able to provide and give. Whenever it is drying, I would dig deeper to replenish the well. The deeper I dig, the harder it gets to replenish. I am so deep under the ground, waiting for the rain that would never come.
She broke my heart a few times over the years. I, being the strong and stubborn one, picked up the broken pieces on my own, and mended it. The friendship was so precious to me that I wasn’t willing to let go. I was all ready to forgive and move on. I truly believed that bad times could only make the friendship grows stronger than ever.
My heart, that has been broken and mended countless of times, is out of shape. I can’t recognise my heart anymore and I doubt I would be able to mend it one more time.
In my life thus far, I have cried twice because of friends. When I was 11, and now at my 30. I thought I would be mature and strong enough to handle it, I was so wrong. I am not as strong as I thought I was.
I do not feel angry, because the feeling of sadness is too overwhelming.
I do not blame her, I blame myself for not doing enough of what she wanted me to.
My 15 years of friendship, has just been denied by the best friend I have ever had. I finally decide to let go after badly wounded. I can now take all the time in the world to heal my wounds and heart.
From now on, I shall not be blamed for not being an understanding friend. Because, I do not care now. Till the time my heart is ready to believe again.
I am sorry, my BFF. I know friends shouldn’t turn their back on each other, I am not. But I need a break.