I Wonder

…… She pretends nothing ever happened? Or she decided it was all a mistake and wants to get back in my life? Or she conveniently forgot what she has written and done to me?

She, again, starts leaving comments in my Facebook, as if nothing ever happened between us. She, is doing it again.

I was naive enough to believe that “this time would be different”. Am I still so naive to believe in that again? No. As the saying goes, once bitten, twice shy. What’s more that I’ve got bitten too many times.

It still hurts whenever I think of it. Well, not as much as it did. It’s just like bruises, the moment you got yourself bruised, it hurt madly. Then, before it dissolves to nothing, it hurts a little whenever you touch it. And you won’t notice the bruises if you do not touch it. That’s how it feels right now.

I chose to ignore the comments most of the time. I hope that she wouldn’t say I am ignoring her or do not care about her anymore. Hey, why do I still care about what she may say or think? Geez, it’s hard to learn not to care.

Some may tell me, let bygones be bygones, forgive and forget. I am sorry, I am not that great. I can forgive, but certainly I cannot forget. I have no problem with forgiving, but I would not forget what and why I forgive. To me, there is only forgiven, not forgotten. When I ask for forgiveness from someone, I too do not expect the other person to forget. Imagine someone slapped you and asked for your forgiveness, you choose to forgive, but you could never forget how that tight slap felt on your face! Unintentionally? Well, the pain is still there!

I am trying very hard not to be bothered by it. I hope I could brace myself enough to smile and say hi whenever I see her. It has come to a point I did not know what to do when I saw her the last time around. I felt so uneasy and awkward. Guilt? Shame? Detest? I have no idea. Do you?

It is funny, to see how big the impact the broken friendship has made on my life. I truly wish that no one would have to go through what I have been through. It costs too much of emotions, cuts too deep and hurts gravely.

Read something interesting somewhere last week:
You get hurt, because you care.  One could never gets hurt if one does not care. 不在乎的话,就不会受伤.

How true it is.

3 thoughts on “I Wonder”

  1. ashley, friends comes and goes. If its too hurt to befriend back with your buddy then its really the time to let her go. Just ignore her lor.
    My bestie once call me ‘cheap’ or agree with her then bf for no valid reason.. very long story that makes me really sad, I cried and complaint to my hubby and thats a real blow to me because their mind so shallow.

    After half year.. we re-build our friendship as both of us talk about ‘it’ she didn’t appologize, but bygones be bygones.. its a over 25 years of friendship which is too precious to let those fun years slip away.

    Now we are back together.. not as close as before, need time to forget ma. Still we treasure our friendship.

    1. Cheryl, i believe each and every friendship is precious. I too do not want to let go of this. But now i need some time. Only hope that I could still look her in the eyes in the future.

  2. 因为有希望,才会有失望。拿的起,也要学习放下。或许看开了,也不带希望,受到的伤害也会减少!! 加油!!

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