Life is the art of drawing without an eraser ~ John W. Gardner

THE Fear

It is inevitable that we have to go through life and death in our lives. Along the way, we lost and will be losing our loved ones. Life is fragile, and unpredictable. No one will know if you’ll still be alive tomorrow, which is why today is a PRESENT.

Lost my maternal aunt when I was in college. First time experienced losing someone in the family, but I wasn’t very close to her, the heart ache was bearable. Then, lost my maternal grandfather when I was in the final year of college. Family kept it from me because I was having my exam, it was a week after the funeral only I got to know. I cried all night, most of my childhood memories consist of him. I missed his laughters, and I still miss him now. 8 years ago, lost my brother-in-law to brain tumor. I grieved for a long time. Whenever I saw my little niece, I would be overwhelmed with sadness. Until today, it is still a wonder how my sister got through those days. She told me once, if it wasn’t for her daughter, she would have ended her life.

Exactly a year after I lost my brother-in-law, I lost my grandma, whom I was very close to. The heart ache I felt, I can never describe it. I remember I found it hard to breathe when I saw her lifeless body in the hospital, I thought my heart stopped. She was in coma for 2 weeks before she passed away, but no amount of time could have prepared you for the death of someone you loved dearly. I was so full of hope that she would wake up one morning and smile at me. I still miss her, very much.

Few days ago, a friend wrote on Facebook that her friend’s husband passed away, lucky that they don’t have children but sad that how her life would go on without the husband. I often think what would I do if the same thing happens to me (touch wood). I often found myself in tears when I thought of that happening.

Now that I have my own house, only Andrew and I living in the house. His father and brother would come to stay with us a few days in a month, but most of the time it is just Andrew and myself. Andrew was not home last Saturday when I read my friend’s message on Facebook. I took a look at the empty house, I was all alone…… I thought, “this is how it feels without him”. I suddenly felt the loneliness and it was so overwhelming that I thought I was going to die, I couldn’t breathe. So, THIS, is how it feels, lifeless and suffocating.

The moment Andrew stepped into the house, everything sprung to life again. I told Andrew what I was thinking and imagined waking up to an empty house everyday having no one to talk to, how can one survive that? I can’t. I told him that he must NOT DIE before me. Hahahaha. A very selfish request, but a serious one.

People always say, we have to be strong for the ones who got left behind. What if, there is no one worth to be strong for? Guess I’ll pack my bag, and go see the world, with the loved ones in my heart. They shall see the world through my eyes then. To avoid waking up to an empty house too.

They say, fear no death.

I say, fear death, for I want to make everyday count.

Today, is a gift of yesterday, it is PRESENT.


2 responses

  1. Blurcheryl

    I enjoy alone time. But being alone and lonely is a whole different thing. The thought of him not ‘there’ it’s unbearable!!!

    May 9, 2012 at 10:44 PM

    • Ashley

      Totally agree! I don’t mind doing things alone, but it’s a different story all together if he is not around anymore.

      May 10, 2012 at 9:54 AM

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s