Life is the art of drawing without an eraser ~ John W. Gardner

It Stops Here

I have this thought, or rather plan, or perhaps a dream…… Whenever I mentioned it, it often gave the person who was listening a shock of their life, especially the older generation. They start to form another perception of me, “Ashley is not what I thought she was!” So, I have always kept it to myself, except Andrew. I am lucky that he thinks the same way. Now, I’m making IT public……

If I had a child, I won’t WANT/EXPECT him/her to take care of me when I’m old.

When my mom heard it, she was so shocked. She asked, “are you saying you’re not going to take care of me too?” She didn’t hear me right, I don’t blame her. However, even after I explained to her, she was not convinced. What I want to do, is so different from her belief, it’s pretty reasonable for her to react that way. She must be wondering, what monster daughter she has raised. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom very much. Of course I’m going to take care of her, she’s my mom. What I mean here is, I’ll make sure I plan my retirement well, where to go when both Andrew and I are old enough till we can’t take care of ourselves…… Stuff like that. We don’t want to be a burden to our child. Also, we always believe that we should be the ones planning our own future.

Last week, mother-in-law gave me the “pressure” again. Although she kept repeating she isn’t forcing us, I feel the pressure. How can one keep reminding you of the same thing and not mean to pressure? Why is everyone chasing us to make decision? It is our life, not yours and certainly not for you to come and tell me what I should do. I want a child or not, it is for me to decide. I CAN have a child or not, it is also for me to know.

She was telling me how great it is to have a child, that you can talk to, that he/she will love you, that he/she will take care of you when you are old…… I blurted out that I don’t wish my child to take care of me in the future. Of course, you can expect her reaction. She was shocked too, like my mom. The moment I saw that reaction, I regretted and cursed my BIG mouth. She too like my mom, said the exact same thing! Do all the moms think the same?

The way Andrew and I want to raise our child (if we have any in the future), is so different from what others have been doing. Yes, it’s easier said than done, that we want to do it differently. However, both of us have the strong desire to break the “circle”. We don’t want our next generation to live the same way like we do now. We don’t want our child to live in the same beliefs that our parents want us to believe. We don’t want our child to live in our shadows. We don’t want him/her to be restricted by the same system that restricts us. We do not want a DUPLICATE of us. We are raising an entirely new generation, not copies of us.

To be honest, I do not know how we are going to do that, but we believe that when the time comes, we will know.

P.S.: It is easy, to WANT a child. However, do you know that it is difficult to raise one? Let’s not talk about the time, just the financial part. I can’t even support myself well now, how do you expect me to support another life? The diapers, nanny, day care, clinic visits, check-ups, toiletries, clothes, chairs, bottles, food…… My home is only 50% furnished, how do you expect me to furnish another nursery room? I told Andrew, I am a selfish woman, but I am also a devoted woman. I will give my child the undivided love, only when I can afford to do it. Right now, I can’t.

Andrew refused to let me have a pet dog/cat, he said, “don’t have time to take care of it”. So, you don’t even have time for a pet, do you think you are going to have time for a CHILD? 

2 responses

  1. “If I had a child, I won’t WANT/EXPECT him/her to take care of me when I’m old.”
    —> I have the same thought as u. But I never mention it in front of my mom la…

    To own a pet is just like raising a child. Though pet can’t speak…but we still need to spend money, time and love towards it also.

    Its ok that you have your own thoughts…just go with it. people may not agreed becos they may think differently.

    August 29, 2012 at 12:35 PM

  2. Blurcheryl

    I think all parents will react the same to what you said.
    Young adults usually think things ideally.. as time past by they began to think more conservatively and then when they are a parent they think differently due to many many factors. I do not blame my mum when I told her the same thing (not abt the children) but about letting the nurse take care of them when they are old.. I was just teenage then and my mum just got so mad at me for a whole month. But at my age now, I think taking care of our parents ourself is the best love we can give them and that is what every parent would want no matter how modern the parent is.

    On the other hand I do agree If I am a parent I dont want to burden my child but that is just idealistic thinking. Child will think its a burden, but for the parent they need help so they ask for help from who else? Their own children, own family, their flesh and blood. Who doesnt love mobility, who doesnt love independence, who doesnt love health who doesnt love youth. End of the day, what a parent ask for is really Tender Loving Care. The value of time for old people are priceless, how much time do they have left?

    When you say you dont want to burden your child. Its actually not up to you. Its not up to any parents. Its reality Think about it.. perhaps one day when you are a parent, and already nyanyuk maybe got alzheimer its not your choice to burden your child or not? You cant take care of yourself and you need someone to make decisions for you.

    Maybe before you nyanyuk then you have planned your retirement and dont have a child but you have tons of money but have no one to trust. Its reality, you only trust your own flesh and blood but again you dont have any. Maybe have a trust fund to manage your old days but the company go bankcrupt and who do you ask for help? Niece or nephew who have no obligations to help. . but to burden them.

    just my 2cents

    September 5, 2012 at 11:55 PM

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