Life is the art of drawing without an eraser ~ John W. Gardner

The Lost Miracle

Sorry to those friends whom I hid the truth from, because I was tired to repeat the story. Do me a favor, please don’t mention it the next time when you see me, or feel sorry for me. I have gotten over it, I have done the grief and mourning process. Now, I just want to record this as part of my life, as usual. There’s nothing that you can say now to undo any of it, just let me write, so that I can look back at this in the future. Thank you.

14th September 2012, Friday

Was having bad cough and flu for 2 days, decided it was time to see a doctor. Went to the doctor after work, before the doctor prescribed for medications, he asked for the date when I had my last period. He always asked me that, a good doctor indeed. When I told him, he said with wide-eyed, “you’re late by 2 days!” In fact, late by 4 days. He insisted me to take a pregnancy test, he wanted to make sure I was “clear” to take medications. Result showed negative, he was relieved! I came out from his room waiting for the prescriptions. Just a minute later, he called me in again nervously. He stared at me and showed me the test strip, there was a faint pink second line beside the first red one. He refused to give me medications and told me to take a test again a week after.

When I told Andrew, he was smiling but he didn’t say anything. When we were in the car, I asked him how he felt, he said, “mixed feelings”. That’s what we felt. It was unplanned, but wasn’t unexpected. Still, the news caught us by surprise.

I didn’t listen to the doctor, I bought a home pregnancy test and did it the next morning. The result showed in less than a minute, “pregnant”. I started taking folic acid that day.

20th September 2012, Thursday

We went to a gynae for confirmation. Damn, doctor couldn’t see anything, asked us to go back in a week’s time. I told my mom, she asked if I was too heaty that the period didn’t come, she asked me to drink more herbal tea to cool down my body! Hahahahaha. My mom was not convinced with the home pregnancy test. I again, bought another pregnancy test and this time it showed even faster.

Finally, the feeling sunk in. I was going to be a mother, and Andrew was going to be a father. It is amazing how a little cell is growing inside me to be a human. :) On one hand we realised that our life as 2 carefree lovebirds was coming to an end, but we were delighted.

The unexpected has become the expecting.

27th September 2012, Thursday

Went back to the same gynae for another scan. Finally, we saw the sac. All the worries were gone.

However, the joy was a short one.

The very same night, I had some pinkish discharge.

28th September 2012, Friday

The next morning, it turned brownish. I went in to work still, thought I would call the doctor later. I went to the bathroom again and it was more and red. I called Andrew immediately to come back and take me to the doctor.

The roller coaster ride began.

The sac is still in my uterus. Doctor said it could be a threatened miscarriage. I was still bleeding even after doctor gave me an injection and dydrogesterone. The doctor said she has given me everything and we could only wait. She said it was too early to tell if the fetus is healthy. She told me to go to the ER if I have severe pain and bleed profusely.

I was worried the whole day, lying on the sofa, thinking the worst. It’s easier to say to relax when you don’t know what’s going on inside of you.

I read a lot on the Internet about all the possible causes and reasons. All the positive and negative stuff wasn’t helping much.

I was so sad and worried.

29th September 2012, Saturday

Went to the toilet early morning, I still bled and it was getting heavier. I thought I was certainly having a miscarriage. We decided to go to another doctor for a second opinion. Rushing to hospital and clinic 3 times in 3 days isn’t something we expected. My mood was better as I was hoping for the best but prepared for the worst.

Doctor did another scan, I was relieved. The sac was still there, but doctor said the chance was very slim. I told him I am ready for the worst if we need to take it out. He was against it and asked me to wait till Saturday to go back again. So, we went home, with the mixed feelings again.

I was bleeding heavily the whole day with some cramps. They weren’t severe, don’t think I need to go to the ER. My mood was better though.

30th September 2012, Sunday

Things got better, the bleeding subsided, but it is still red.

Keeping our fingers and toes crossed that the baby was still healthy and strong.

1st October 2012, Monday

Feeling better. The bleeding stopped but came again in the evening. I now don’t hope the bleeding to stop, I just hope the baby would be fine.

2nd to 5th October 2012, Tuesday to Friday

Finally, the bleeding stopped. Only some spotting in the early mornings and I got through the rest of the days without blood and cramps.

I was full of hope again. Mom went to temple to pray for me, all of us were so positive.

However, I was feeling nervous and anxious. I finally have the mother instinct, the feeling of I’m going to be a mother. All this, could be a short-lived one.

All I wanted was to know the outcome. I would cry if I saw the heartbeat, the miracle. On the other hand, I was well prepared for any bad news. With all those blood I lost, it would be a miracle if the baby survived.

6th October 2012, Saturday

Waited half an hour in the clinic for my turn. Doctor did a scan, “it’s not there anymore my dear, you miscarried, I’m sorry”.

Surprisingly, I felt relieved. Not because I didn’t want the baby, I felt relieved because it’s not there anymore, I didn’t have to go through a D&C, and I would be more devastated to see the fetus without a heartbeat.

Doctor said I’m still young, nothing to be worried about. :) He said it could be the fetus was not healthy, having a miscarriage doesn’t make me prone to have one in the future and it doesn’t mean it would be more difficult for me to get pregnant again. A very kind doctor.

I was sad, for a while, but we have already done the best we could. The feeling of disappointment followed. Sigh…… Perhaps I didn’t take good care of myself…… Perhaps it was not meant to be…… Perhaps it was me…… Miracle didn’t happen……

I am feeling okay now. I can get back to my daily chores again, cook, shop, work, walk…… :)

Perhaps, I will be surprised soon again. :) Life is always full of hope, isn’t it? ;)





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