Life is the art of drawing without an eraser ~ John W. Gardner

The Word That We Are So Afraid Of

Love?

Hate?

Hopeless?

Death?

There is one particular word that we are so afraid of hearing it, especially when it comes out from someone who we love deeply.

Suicide.

All of us have problems. At some point in your life, you will feel so helpless and hopeless.

When help doesn’t help at all, when hope fades…… This thought becomes even clearer than any other.

When someone feels anger or hatred more than anything else, this thought again, looms.

I’ve had close family members who expressed to me that they’ve thought of death as the only way out. I was afraid, so afraid.

What can I do to make them stop thinking about it? I hadn’t any clue.

There is one thing that I could surely do, show them lots and lots of love.

I talked to them more often, visited them, hugged them more than any other time that I would, and emphasized that I will always love them even when the world gives up on them.

Did it work? I guessed so. They’re still here with me.

The love from family is something that could save lives. I’m glad that our family bond is so strong and that makes things easier. We hold on to one belief, “if thing goes wrong, my family has my back and they will never ever give up on me”.

Last year, I finally understand why would someone think of death as the only way out. I didn’t understand why would one person give up life so easily.

I blamed it on the hormonal changed and emotional instability. See, it just takes a few wrong switches at the wrong time to trigger the thought. If it wasn’t taken care of, bad thing is bound to happen.

It happened during my pregnancy. I was so tired after a long day at work, something at home triggered the rest of the emotions and that’s it. I was throwing tantrums, raising my voice, crying…… A lot of stuff went through my mind. All sorts of silly thoughts, why no one cares about how I feel and all they care about is only themselves, why are they so mean to me, why do I have to listen to them all the time, why do I have to always be the one to give in, why can’t I have any freedom of speech…… All the why’s that I have no answers to. I was angry and upset.

“It would be better if I wasn’t around”, I blurted it out at Andrew and he asked me what I meant.

At that moment, I was looking at the sliding door to the balcony. I wanted to go over, open the door and jump off.

I didn’t do that, of course. I thought of my mom, I couldn’t leave her alone. The thought of her being sad is enough to pull me back to my normal self.

Whenever I look back, I feel scared. It was scary. If the thought were strong enough, I would have done it. Will it happen again? I don’t know. I hope not. I have my family that needs my love, I can’t let them down.

I am no expert in psychology. If you notice someone around you has that negative thought, please seek help. Either from the expert or the family. GET HELP.

There’s always hope no matter how hopeless it seems.

P.S.: I’m not thinking of committing suicide now if you wonder. :) I’m perfectly fine and happy now. I’m not a quitter by nature. So, yeah, it must be the hormones back then. Hahahaha. :D

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Photo taken by Ashley, using Samsung Galaxy Note II.

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