Life is the art of drawing without an eraser ~ John W. Gardner

Tomorrow, The Sun Rises Again.

I haven’t been blogging for a while.

I miss writing. I miss ME in writing. I think better and clearer when I write, and it takes things off my mind for a while. I usually return to my daily routine with a happier thought right after blogging/writing.

Not writing recently, has kind of made me sour.

Not writing means I don’t spend time to gather my thoughts. They are everywhere and because of that, I sulk very often lately.

I think a lot about work, until I couldn’t find my way out. I am still figuring what I should do next. I’ve sort of given myself another 2 years, but I am not happy with that. I am so tired of giving myself another year and another year, and keep telling myself things will get better. In fact, I am so tired of giving myself excuses.

I want to find my passion in doing something again. I need to find that spark again, so that I can move on instead of standing here. I hate myself not being passionate about something, this is not me. I am always passionate about something and I will always find ways to achieve something. Me running in circle and see no end? This is not me, so not me.

I feel sad very easy since more than a month ago. The trip to Krabi couldn’t even lift my spirit. I did feel happy when I was on vacation, but the sadness caught up very quickly as soon as I returned. Sad about what? I am not very sure. Partly work, partly myself. I feel sad that I feel helpless. I feel sad that I am not myself. I feel sad that I am sad. There were a few times I would cry for no apparent reason.

I am very, very, very tired of playing another Ashley, the Ashley at work. Seven years, I’ve toned down a lot in terms of my temper, yet it is still not enough. People still expect me to show no temper at all, that I shouldn’t get upset of what they said to me even when it is mean. People still think that I am not good enough. They still think that I am still that stubborn cow seven years ago. They still say that I am petty and sensitive. I am known for my temper, but I am not petty and sensitive. Now you see, they say things about me. I am only human, just like every one else. I have emotions too. I am very tired of trying to be better in front of them. I am very tired that I can’t be myself in front of them. It gets to me so much now that I get really tired to talk in front of them. I am just getting extremely tired of being someone that I am not. I have cried to Andrew that why do I need to put myself so low to be accepted by others? I can’t do it. I just can’t.

All I want to be is the REAL me. I don’t think I am a bad person to deserve ill treatments and bad-mouthing. We are not perfect, I am not trying to be perfect. I am only trying to be better. How can you keep telling me that I am not perfect when you yourself are not perfect either?

How can you expect me to be emotionless when you yourself are sensitive?

How can you expect me to swallow it all when you couldn’t take it at all?

How can you expect me to be tactful when the first thing you said is already so hurtful?

How can you expect me to be truthful when you are the one who go behind my back and talk?

How can you expect me to forgive when you hold grudges?

I am only human. Don’t expect me to be all the things that you are not just because, you are not.

This is what writing does to me, I feel a little relieved now. I can now channel my negative energy somewhere else.

Tomorrow is always a new day, I always believe in that.

And tomorrow, I shall write again. :)


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