Sorry for the lack of updates here. October was clearly not a good month for me. The same thing happened last year, it happened again this year. I start to hate October. I wish someone could take out October.
I thought this time would be different, because I did feel a little different. I was wrong.
I was pregnant and I miscarried. This time, it was worse. I was 10 weeks when the foetus stopped growing, and I didn’t miscarry naturally. I had to go through a D&C to get rid of the pregnancy.
It was raining, on the day I got the bad news. I couldn’t help but blamed the god, if you’ve given me this gift, why did you have to take it away? Don’t give me something and take it back later! Don’t come tell me that you’re sorry that it was not meant to be.
I went from being sad to mad. I grieved, I blamed, I wondered, and finally, I got over it. All within a week.
I was surprised that this time, I coped so well.
Sometimes, I couldn’t help but think, would things be different if I were to go to the gynae that I’m seeing now? I should have gone to this gynae instead of the other one…… I shouldn’t have waited……
Now, there is still this tiny bit of sadness in the back of my mind. Two miscarriages…… How can I not feel sad? One put me in an operating theatre for the first time in my life…… How can I ever forget that?
The bad news, the D&C, the long medical leave, the pain, the recovery…… All happened in the month of October.
Please, can someone make me forget OCTOBER?
The child, that was not meant to be. Mommy loves you and you are always in my heart. Goodbye my angel, please watch over us.