Clock Is Ticking
How many people have reminded me that my clock is ticking…… My biological clock that is…… More precise, “you’re not young anymore Ashley, when are you going to have a baby?”
However, I think people got bored of asking me that question already. :) I get lesser of that nowadays. Friends have stopped asking actually. Perhaps they know what I have gone through and they know by asking the question again would have brought up some unhappy memories. My family has too stopped asking me that. They know very well whatever my decision is, I have my reason and they understand. Only a few will still ask me the question when they see me, but they don’t bother me because they’re not important to me.
When I see a baby, I will go “awww…… Look at her/him, so cute!” When I remember the time taking care of my niece, I will go “OMG!!! Can’t she just sit still?! Can’t I have 5 minutes of me time?! Milk again?! Didn’t she just eat?! Potty!!!” I faint. Of course, there are times that she will be real sweet and cute and behave herself.
I must say that I got very selfish now. I’ve been enjoying the freedom far too long and I now don’t seem to know how to share my time with others. I freak out the moment I realise there won’t be any TV time at night when I get home from work. My head spins a little when I think of the time I’ll be spending in doing all the washing and changing diapers. Also, I don’t get to watch movies whenever I feel like, I won’t have time for Andrew and he won’t have more time for me, we won’t be holding hands when we go out anymore because we will be pushing the stroller and carrying the bag, we can’t travel together anymore without having to worry and care for another person…… I am selfish, I want Andrew all to myself. I can’t even imagine sharing him with my own child. @__@ Having a child is a lifetime commitment, there won’t be an end to it……
The question of to have a child or not, has again come to the surface. I love babies but I just don’t think I can take care of one. Yes, you may tell me the mother instinct will kick in when you have a child. Yes, you will tell me the baby’s smile will worth all the hardships that you’ll have to go through. I know, I know all of that very well. However, I have doubt in myself. And yes, you will tell me everyone has doubt in themselves until they have their own child.
What is the purpose of having a child?
Is it wrong to not have a child?
I am not sure of what to do now. To have, or not to have?
Andrew said, let the nature take its course.
I can’t. I’m not one who doesn’t plan and leave everything to nature’s hands.
Your clock is ticking, Ashley. It is ticking……