Life is the art of drawing without an eraser ~ John W. Gardner

Baby

My Baby Teaches Me To Be Patient

I have a short temper. My temper comes very fast, but it goes very fast too. That also means I am impatient.

I can take your crap, but not for long before I start saying something that will really piss you off. When I say piss you off means it “burns”. LOL!

Before becoming a parent, my biggest fear was I couldn’t give my child the best, financially.

After becoming a parent, my now biggest fear is my temper will have a negative impact on my child.

When Lucy was a few weeks old, one night, I shouted at her when she refused to sleep. She startled and looked at me wide-eyed, not able to comprehend my loud voice and emotion. Immediately I felt the guilt and I said sorry to her.

There was another time I hugged her tightly in an attempt to calm her down (after 45 minutes of rocking and walking and singing), then I realised I was feeling angry and I let go of my grip. She did calm down, and gave me the brightest smile. Again, I felt guilty and told her I will not do that again.

One night, I was crying with Lucy in my arms when she refused to sleep. I was so tired and this little human refused to sleep. I was stunned by what happened next. She reached up and touched my face with her hand. When I looked at her, she was all calm and cool, her eyes were like asking me “what happened mommy”. That moment, I finally realised, that she can sense my mood.

From that day onwards, I always tell myself, be calm because if I wasn’t calm, Lucy wouldn’t be calm too.

Guess what, she can now fall asleep faster and better.

Occasionally when she does not want to sleep (due to over-stimulated, over-excited or after a long nap in the evening), I don’t stress about it anymore. I’ll just play with her until she’s tired. Of course there are still times I would raise my voice, but just to show her that I am not happy with her not sleeping.

It’s very tiring. Especially lately she’s been waking up in the middle of the night asking for milk. She used to sleep through the night, but now she’s waking up twice, once in the middle of the night, once in the very early morning. I just keep telling myself that it is just a stage and things will get better when she starts solid food later. True enough, lately she’s slowly adjusting herself to sleep through the night. I guess it was just her growth spurt back then.

She’s generally a happy baby.

Lucy is teaching mommy how to be patient. No one can be a better teacher than her.

P.S.: You have no idea what a child can do to test your patience.

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My Rainbow

Do you know that a child born after a miscarriage is called a rainbow baby?

Lucy is my special rainbow baby, after 2 miscarriages.

Just when I was about to move on with my life of not having a baby, rainbow happened.

After the second miscarriage in late 2013, I was heartbroken. I was not desperately for a baby, my heart broke because it’s another live gone. My body and mental just couldn’t take the disappointment again.

I went for my long overdue pap-smear in early May 2014, wanted to move on. I even had plans to go Tibet and Mount Everest base camp with Andrew in 2015. We both decided it’s time to stop thinking about the baby and focus on ourselves. My gynae even suggested to me to take the Hepatitis B injections since I stopped planning for baby. I told him I needed some time to think about the injections (not cheap ok). It was a blessing in disguise that I did not take the first injection that day.

Early of June 2014, I found out I was pregnant and I was both shocked and disappointed. I have so many plans and all of a sudden they went down the drain.

Took me quite a while to accept the reality. And took me a long time to stop worrying about miscarriage.

Everyone would ask me why I named her Lucy. I can’t tell you exactly why. The name appeared few months into the pregnancy, even before we know the gender. I told Andrew if it’s a girl I would want to name her Lucy, and I had a strong feeling that it was going to be a girl.

I got curious why would the name appear out of no where and I felt so strongly to it. I went Google the meaning of the name, partly also I want to make sure it doesn’t mean something negative. Wikipedia says:

Lucy is an English and French feminine given name derived from Latin masculine given name Lucius with the meaning as of light (born at dawn or daylight, maybe also shiny, or of light complexion). Alternative spellings are Luci, Luce, Lucie. Lucy is also an American, Australian, Canadian, English, Irish, Scottish, Welsh and French surname.

LIGHT! How apt. She was the light at the end of the tunnel, just when I thought all hopes were gone. There she came, brighten up our life.

Lucy, truly my light, my rainbow.


Just Because He HELPS

…… doesn’t mean he’s not taking the responsibility of our child.

Yes, the child belongs to both parties. When one party does more than the other, we often say “he doesn’t help much”, or “she helps a lot”. It’s just a common thing for us to say, sometimes it means no harm. Of course, I will get upset too if Andrew were to say “hey look, I did HELP you to change Lucy’s diaper”. Look, I know you did, but do you have to mention it on purpose? What do you want? So that I could THANK you? Or praise that you’re a good father?

In reality, Andrew does take care of our baby. However, he’s doing less of that recently because he knows I will want to do everything. To some extent, that’s true. I love taking care of my baby girl because I love to talk to her and bond with her. However, it wouldn’t hurt if he could take the initiative to wash the bottles, do the laundry and fetch the bottle when it’s time to feed. I kind of miss the first month, where he took good care of the baby especially during the night, he would get up when baby got up, changed her diaper, soothed her when she cried, fed her while I was pumping, washed my pump and the bottles……

Every now and then, I will say “thank you” to him. He would dismiss it by saying “silly, I’m just doing what I should be doing”. Yes, he is, but I just want him to know I appreciate what he did.

Recently I just told him, “you’re not very involved in taking care of Lucy anymore, you don’t even change her diaper now. You just like to sit there talk to her, or sometimes sit there with her staring at you and you watching TV”. I even told him that he doesn’t offer to wash the bottles like he used to. And I told him I would like him to at least HELP me wash the bottle during night feed. These days, he doesn’t even have to get up during the night because he knows very well I will be doing everything. Sometimes it does piss me off a little to see him sleeping soundly and I’m all awake feeding the baby. I am willing to do all this, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to do!

What prompted me to write this is this –> Just Because I Get Up in the Night Doesn’t Mean I Deserve Praise

No, I will not PRAISE Andrew too. I will not praise and say that he is a good father just because he gets up in the night. I too will not praise him for changing the diaper. BUT, I will say “thank you”.

I know a lot of people will tell me that I have a good husband and I should be grateful. Yes, who said that I’m not grateful. I am. I’m happy that he HELPS. He knows he has his limits in taking care of baby, he knows I am better at it. So, it’s only natural that I do more. When he does less, it’s natural for us to say that he “helps”. We all know that he doesn’t just help, he takes care of our baby.

I always say, “I go shower, you HELP me look after her for a while”.

“PLEASE watch over her, I’m going to do the laundry.”

“Can you HELP me wash the bottle?”

Whenever I asked, he would say OK. So, I learned the trick. I have to open my mouth and ask him to do it.

There’s nothing wrong in saying that he HELPS and to thank him.

Yes, it’s a partnership. You do say thank you’s in partnership though.


Weird First Times

I know everyone has his or her first time for everything, including myself. However, buying baby stuff for my own precious little one makes me feel weird. The weirdest thing I have ever done. LOL!

It’s not my first time buying baby stuff, but I have always been buying for other people’s babies. Whenever the sale-person asked me, I would just say “it’s for my friend/sister’s baby”. Now clearly, I am buying for my own baby. I even find it difficult to confess that I am expecting during my first trimester.

The first time I bought some baby rompers back home, the moment I took out and showed Andrew, he gasped. He couldn’t believe that I was buying them for our baby, I too couldn’t believe that I was actually buying them for my own child! That moment, was like a realisation to us that it is real that we are having a baby. Hahaha. Even right now, we sometimes still find it unbelievable that there’s a baby on the way.

I don’t know when will the maternal instinct kick in, perhaps it will come when I hold my baby for the first time. Right now, except feeling pregnant, I still feel like my usual self. I still want to go for a holiday somewhere and I still want to do things together only with Andrew. The house is still pretty much the same, for the TWO of us. I haven’t even got the mood to clear our room for the baby.

Other than buying baby clothes, we went to a mommy and baby fair recently. It was again so weird to be in the fair looking at those baby stuff. When I saw Andrew carrying that bag of baby diapers, I found it amusing. When I saw the diapers in the house, I told Andrew, “I never expect to see this thing in our house”. LOL! Things still feel surreal now.

DSC_0509The very first rompers that I bought, at FOS Kids. All below RM20.

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Loot from baby fair. It was so funny to see him carrying these baby stuff.


The Growing Bean

It’s been a while since I updated my pregnancy journey.

I am now 24 weeks, been feeling baby move everyday. Sometimes she gets lazy like mommy, sometimes she can move all day long. :) It’s weird that how you wish you could feel her more and when she kicks up a storm you wish that she would be quiet for a while. It’s like what the doctor told me, baby kicks are not exactly fun, they are annoying most of the times. I still feel amazing how our body can grown another human being, every kick and movement I feel is amazing. There’s a life growing in there!!!

Right now, when I look back at the early stage of my pregnancy, I still shudder. No one would ever understand what I have gone through. Yes, it’s called morning sickness, and all that people know is you vomit. Little do they know that it can get so serious than just vomiting. My younger sister, who went through morning sickness during her pregnancy, would also give me advices like eat crackers, drink warm water, take small meals, it will be over soon, it’s like that…… I was a little upset that she too couldn’t understand it, and I was upset that I couldn’t make people understand it. Yes, I’m lucky that I have a baby, I’m grateful. However, that doesn’t mean I am not allowed to feel bad. I am so grateful that I have a husband who is willing to go all out to take care of me during those difficult times. I too feel bad for him that he had to go through all that with me. I tell ya, it was not easy for him.

Lately, the comment that I get the most is, “you don’t look 6 months pregnant!!! Your tummy look so small!!!” :( I’ve been wondering if baby is growing well, hearing such comment definitely doesn’t make me feel any better. Someone just recently said to me, “you don’t look pregnant at all wearing black color”. T__T Now my appetite is slightly better, when it comes to food that I like, I eat more.

Oh, doctor confirmed during the last check-up that it’s a girl! Actually, I have been feeling that this would be a girl. Even the name got stuck in my head since few months ago. Now I understand why the name came to me all of a sudden, “light at the end of the tunnel”. Just when I thought hope was dim and wanted to give up, there she is. :)

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My precious at 23 weeks and 4 days. She’s growing absolutely well. :)


First Kick

I’ve been trying to feel baby moves. I have Googled a lot too on what other mommies say about baby’s first move. Most of them described it as flutters, rumbles, little probing inside the stomach…… I am already 16 weeks (today) and I didn’t feel any of those! Until last night.

Since two weeks ago, I would often spend about 5 minutes, lying on my back on the bed, trying to feel if I could feel flutters or rumbles in my tummy. Yes, indeed I got a lot of those, but I know they’re just stomach gas! Because I could feel them travel from one place to the other and most of the times they’re above my belly button, which is not where the baby should be.

Lately, I’ve been feeling some weird flutters in my tummy, but I still don’t think it’s the baby. I’ve been having some stomach issues, they’re probably just gas.

Last night, was doing the ritual again before I sleep. Put my right hand (palm) on the tummy, concentrate on what I was feeling inside, hmmm…… I gave up after few minutes of not feeling anything. The moment I decided to give up, suddenly I felt a “tap” on the tummy and my palm felt it too! Holy cow! It was like someone was poking me from the inside. That wasn’t gas, was it?! Gas doesn’t move like that! That definitely felt new to me. However, I didn’t feel it again after that.

Just one tiny movement like that is enough to get me all excited. Hopefully I can feel it again tonight. :D


Pumpkin Grows

Finally, I can breathe a sigh of relief. Seeing baby is so active and doing great on the screen, really made me feel relieved. We could see those long legs, tiny hands, a little bit of her fingers, spine, her feet…… I was in awe with the ultrasound technology. Hahaha.

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 Doctor was trying to determine her gender, he finally said, “95% a girl, but we shall confirm that again in your next visit”. I was so happy to hear that! I’ve always wanted a daughter! Not that I don’t want a son, I’d still be happy if it’s a boy.

Two days ago, a sudden thought scared me. There’s going to be someone who will call me “mom”!!! I just can’t believe that I’m going to be a mother (in fact, am already considered a mother now). When I asked Andrew, “can you believe that soon someone will be calling you daddy????” He choked and laughed, he said he never thought of that. Hahahahaha.

Sometimes, I still feel guilty. Months ago when I found out I was pregnant, I was disappointed. There was once I even secretly wished for miscarriage. I realised how selfish I was the moment I saw her growing so well on the ultrasound.

I’m sorry, pumpkin. You’re the unexpected miracle. We can’t wait to hold you in our arms. :)