The Growing Bean

It’s been a while since I updated my pregnancy journey.

I am now 24 weeks, been feeling baby move everyday. Sometimes she gets lazy like mommy, sometimes she can move all day long. :) It’s weird that how you wish you could feel her more and when she kicks up a storm you wish that she would be quiet for a while. It’s like what the doctor told me, baby kicks are not exactly fun, they are annoying most of the times. I still feel amazing how our body can grown another human being, every kick and movement I feel is amazing. There’s a life growing in there!!!

Right now, when I look back at the early stage of my pregnancy, I still shudder. No one would ever understand what I have gone through. Yes, it’s called morning sickness, and all that people know is you vomit. Little do they know that it can get so serious than just vomiting. My younger sister, who went through morning sickness during her pregnancy, would also give me advices like eat crackers, drink warm water, take small meals, it will be over soon, it’s like that…… I was a little upset that she too couldn’t understand it, and I was upset that I couldn’t make people understand it. Yes, I’m lucky that I have a baby, I’m grateful. However, that doesn’t mean I am not allowed to feel bad. I am so grateful that I have a husband who is willing to go all out to take care of me during those difficult times. I too feel bad for him that he had to go through all that with me. I tell ya, it was not easy for him.

Lately, the comment that I get the most is, “you don’t look 6 months pregnant!!! Your tummy look so small!!!” :( I’ve been wondering if baby is growing well, hearing such comment definitely doesn’t make me feel any better. Someone just recently said to me, “you don’t look pregnant at all wearing black color”. T__T Now my appetite is slightly better, when it comes to food that I like, I eat more.

Oh, doctor confirmed during the last check-up that it’s a girl! Actually, I have been feeling that this would be a girl. Even the name got stuck in my head since few months ago. Now I understand why the name came to me all of a sudden, “light at the end of the tunnel”. Just when I thought hope was dim and wanted to give up, there she is. :)

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My precious at 23 weeks and 4 days. She’s growing absolutely well. :)

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15 Weeks Update

At my 15 weeks now. My morning sickness has subsided a little, but not entirely. Sometimes I’ll be ok for a few days, only to feel worse again. My appetite has not come back yet either. I still get that sourish/metal taste in my mouth. I usually feel better during weekends when I get a lot of rest and food is easy at home. The happiest thing is, I’m off the anti-nausea pill. I no longer depend on it to feel better. Now I’ll only take it when the morning sickness is really bad.

Funny thing is, now I don’t drink Coke that much anymore. I don’t crave for ice-cream too. I still like cold drinks though. I hate Milo now. I’ll only have it at night when I feel a little hungry. My food aversions and cravings (I think I don’t have any yet) are still weird. I can’t exactly tell you what I hate and crave now. It would be easier if I crave for a specific food, much easier for Andrew too. The problem is, I don’t and it’s very difficult. Everyday I have to THINK hard what I want to have for lunch and dinner. Most of the times I don’t feel like eating at all. Sigh……

Appointment for the next check-up is this coming Saturday. I still feel nervous and worry. I’m not sure how the baby is doing, whether she is growing well. I can’t feel any movement yet, I can only hope that she is doing fine.

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 At 13 weeks. Not sure it’s my belly fats or the pregnant belly.

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 At 14 weeks. It’s getting difficult to suck in my tummy now. I don’t look pregnant at all, just belly fats.

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 Taken today at 15 weeks.

Pardon me that I have to take my photos in the wash-room. Hahahaha.

Sometimes I would feel that the tummy is getting bigger, but sometimes I feel that it is just my belly fats and all the gas. I feel like I’m playing a waiting game here. Waiting for the appointment this weekend to make sure everything is alright, waiting for the tummy to grow so that I won’t be in this awkward-tummy-or-pregnant limbo, waiting to feel the baby moves, waiting for the morning sickness to disappear completely, waiting to be able to eat normal again……

No One Told Me These

I have had friends and family pregnant before. They would tell me how it’s like to feel the baby kicks, the morning sickness, the backache, the food cravings and aversions…… However, they never told me how serious things could get! I wish they would have told me that it isn’t all ‘lovely-pink-roses-shower’ when you’re pregnant. When occasionally I heard the serious part, it is usually the extreme like bed-rest for months. Perhaps they didn’t want to scare me off, but I really wish that I knew all these earlier and at least I could have been mentally prepared and not feel so bad or panic when it happens.

1. Morning sickness could be all day and night. I wonder why it’s called MORNING sickness, it should be ALL-DAY sickness. @__@

2. No one has ever warned me that you could vomit that nasty bile juice!

3. You’d feel tired and fatigue all the time, that means you feel like SLEEPING 24/7.

4. Every pregnant woman has told me about the food cravings and aversions, but they failed to tell me that you may not have one and you may crave for different food EVERYDAY! Oh, and what you craved yesterday you may hate it today. Oh, you may just hate it right after you took 2 bites.

5. Milk will make your morning sickness worse.

6. Shortness of breath. I got so panicked when I was panting like I just ran a 10km marathon although I just walked for 5 minutes! I even got short of breath when I was washing my hair in the shower! Thought I was going to have a heart attack. -__-

7. Pregnancy glow? They forgot to say that most of the times you’ll have the sick-zombie look on your face and others will be wondering if you just got back from the “land of dead”.

8. It’s better to keep your make-up or skincare (or use organic ones) to the minimum when you’re pregnant, I didn’t know they were trying to say that you’ll be too darn lazy to spend time on your face or you’ll be too sick to do that.

9. Popsicles or ice-cream can cure morning sickness, it’s bulls*** about DON’T eat cold stuff. Just make sure it’s not home-made that contains raw eggs.

10. Smells can trigger nausea, that’s including things that smell nice. Perfumes set off my nauseous alarm big time, I don’t wear perfume now and I have asked hubby not to wear it either.

11. They told me crackers are good for morning sickness, but they didn’t tell me you will still vomit them out.

12. Your hormones can make you feel very emotional. That means sometimes you’ll sit there crying for 15 minutes for no reason at all and your husband will panic wondering if he has done something bad or you’re hurting somewhere.

13. You have to eat/drink healthy. However, when you don’t have the appetite for food, French Fries and Coke are considered “healthy” if you WANT/CAN eat. Better than not eating anything at all.

I really wish someone would write a book on all the possible symptoms that you’ll have when you’re pregnant, good ones, bad ones. Not for the purpose of scaring people off, but more of preparing all the women out there who’s planning to get pregnant or is already pregnant.

My Little Pumpkin

Went for my third check-up when I was 8 weeks, baby is growing and this time, we heard the heartbeat. Nothing is more comforting than hearing it loud and clear. I’ve had 2 pregnancies before and never got to hear the heartbeat. Doctor was waiting for the baby to move/wiggle, but no, lazy bum didn’t want to move at all. LOL!

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Baby at 8 weeks 1 day

My morning sickness was getting worse. Doctor gave me an injection which claimed that it would at least keep the sickness at bay for 2 days. My foot! The next day I was feeling sick again. Lost 1.3kg in 2 weeks, record breaking! Even when I worked my ass off in the gym for a month I couldn’t even lose 1kg!!!

I’m feeling slightly better this few weeks. Some days I would feel totally fine, only a little nauseous, but there were days the morning sickness would be so bad that I could hardly eat anything. I’ve been taking day off and sick leave, colleagues are wondering why I am so weak lately. Hahahaha.

Last Saturday went for another check-up, I was so nervous during the whole week. I was so scared that I would see the baby shrunk, which was what happened to the last pregnancy. Or no more heartbeat…… Or baby not growing…… Doctor kept reassuring me that as long as I have the morning sickness, it’s one way to tell that the baby is growing. When the ultrasound showed a baby shape, my heart skipped a beat. Holy-moly! Three weeks and the baby has grown so much!!! Doubled in size! We could see the legs and arms clearly! The funny part was, when doctor switched to 3D scan, the baby pulled her right hand up, sort of like waving! Little rascal! Hahahaha.

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Baby at 11 weeks 4 days

Not sure why, I started showing the day I came back from the check-up. That evening, I was wearing a polo-tee and it felt so tight around my waist, I could see the tummy! Guess the baby thinks she doesn’t want to hide anymore!

Today, I am officially 12-week. The tummy is even more obvious! I just wish my colleagues wouldn’t notice it so soon.

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12 weeks

My worry is not over, but I can only hope for the best and stay positive.

The Tummy

I’m not sure if it was me feeling bloated and gassy or the tummy is showing. I know it’s impossible to show this early.

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This photo was taken last week. Now my tummy is bigger. :(

I normally have a bit of tummy, but usually I can suck it in and you can’t notice it. But lately I find it so difficult to suck my tummy in and my pants are getting so tight at the tummy/waist area. Even my low-cut jeans have become so tight which I had to unbutton it in the office because it was so comfortable. Mind you, the same jeans I have been wearing and I never find them uncomfortable before. Don’t think I’ve put on so much weight. In fact I think I’ve lost a little weight.

I thought I was bloated, but even in the early morning my pants would feel tight. There is a small pouch below my belly button, didn’t have it in the past.

Oh gosh…… I hope it won’t show so soon. I still have to keep this a secret from my colleagues until I’m in the second trimester. I can’t handle all the “congratulations” right now and I still haven’t gotten over my worries…… My phobia……

So This Is How It Is

I have always had gastric problem. When my gastric attacks, it’s really no fun. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat…… But this is something else…… I must say it’s worse than gastric.

Right after the first gynae check-up, my morning sickness came. The fatigue was the first to set in, then 2 days later I started feeling nauseous and it never stops.

I lost my appetite, even my favorite food can’t tempt me to eat. I hate drinking water. Everyday my mission is to think, what to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I don’t really crave for a specific food, ’cause I just don’t feel like eating at all. I’ve been vomiting everyday. Food I ate, water, gastric acid, even bile…… It’s no fun when your stomach is empty and all you can throw up is your stomach acid and bile…… That nasty, bitter, acidic BITCH!

I have tried a lot of things. People said crackers will help to absorb the acid, bullshit…… I eat crackers, I vomit crackers. Every time. Milo doesn’t seem to help too, whenever I drink Milo, it will end up in the toilet. Nestum oat sometimes helps, sometimes doesn’t. Chocolate is my worst enemy now. I don’t usually like sweet, and now I hate sweets. Milk you say? The moment I smell it I will already be running to the toilet. I can’t take bread too. I don’t have any cravings now. Except maybe mango, and sometimes ice-cream. I’ve been wasting food lately……

Went for second check-up and finally we saw the bean, with a flickering heart. Doctor said it was still too small to hear the heartbeat but good that the size is right and the heart is there. My worry is not over, not yet. I was only 7 weeks.

Doctor gave me some medication for gastric and nauseous, sometimes they help, sometimes they don’t. Sigh. Doctor said he wouldn’t ask me to eat healthily now since I’m having morning sickness. He told me to create my own food, find something that I like to eat and stick to it. He said even if I want nasi lemak everyday just go ahead and have it, feel like drinking Coca-cola just drink. My problem is, I don’t have my favorite food now. :(

I’m feeling crappy almost everyday. On better days, I can eat better and only vomit once or twice. During bad days, I lost count of how many times I vomited. Can hardly keep anything in my stomach. All I can do is eat, vomit, eat again, vomit again……

I was Okay yesterday, even walked a good 20 minutes and shopped in H&M with colleagues, had a big plate of chicken rice too. Today, crappy. Been vomiting since morning even after I’ve taken my medicines, couldn’t even finish half of my lunch. Andrew even thought of going to SS2 tonight to have a durian feast since I am now craving for it.

People said you gotta drink warm water, hell. Warm water only makes me feel nauseous. Room temperature water sucks too. I like cold icy water. Everyday I allow myself to drink a bit of chilled Coca-cola and 100Plus.

Don’t know when will this stop. Doctor said by 16 or 18 weeks…… My goodness……. That is like another 2 more months to go!!!

The Impossible

My period was late. Never did it cross my mind that something was amiss. Sometimes it did come late. Four days past…… Hmm…… Five days…… A week……

Me: Something somewhere not right, my period is late for a week.
Him: Huh…… Hmm……
Me: But I feel all the PMS, swollen and sore breasts and some discomforts.
Him: Then just wait lah.

8 days…… I couldn’t take it anymore. Went to the pharmacy and bought a home pregnancy test although in my mind I was thinking, “it’s bloody impossible!”

Him: Don’t worry lah. I have a feeling that it’s false alarm lah.
Me: Hope you’re right. Impossible also lah.

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The next morning I took the test. Double line!!!! NO! You second line go away!!!! I waited another 5 minutes hoping the other line would go away! It didn’t…… Bloody hell!!!! How can it be????!!!!!!!! My heart sank……

Yes, I have to admit, I wasn’t feeling happy. I’ve had everything planned and I didn’t like this SURPRISE! I’ve had two miscarriages before, I can’t deal with another one in such a short time and especially this is another “unplanned” one!

Me: Congratulations, you’re going to be a father.
Him: HUH……………. Okay…………..
Me: How can it be lah…… Impossible lah…… Bloody hell……

Andrew was having mixed feelings, he was happy but worried too. I was sad for two days. I couldn’t accept the fact that I am pregnant! I kept questioning, how could it be, why now, why, how now…… This came as a bigger surprise than the first pregnancy. I was so giving up on trying and moved on to make other plans. Now this!!! Geez…… I should be more careful! ARGH!!!

After been to the doctor, saw that tiny sac, I finally accepted. There it is. I just hope it won’t miscarry this time.