Missing My Angels

If the first pregnancy went smoothly, I would be celebrating my Christmas this year with my baby.

If the second one went smoothly, I would now be celebrating my Christmas with a big bundle of joy.

Seriously, festive seasons only make you miss the loved ones you lost, MORE.

Babies, are you celebrating Christmas together in heaven?

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Healing. Mourning.

Time flies, it’s been two months. My body is still healing from the miscarriage. My heart, still aches sometimes.

I feel a lot more guilty this time, because I seem to be coping very well with the loss. I feel that I didn’t mourn the unborn child enough. The feeling of guilt is so strong now. Someone in a pregnancy forum told me, moving on faster this time doesn’t mean I love it any lesser. However, I feel terrible.

I don’t want to forget. I force myself to remember it every 23rd of the month. I would count, one month, two months. Subconsciously, I will try to make it difficult for myself.

I have thought of getting myself pregnant soon, but I know that is not what I want.

I too have thought of giving up on having a child, knowing that Andrew would not mind.

But it is just so not me to give up something so easily. Especially when I know I have not done my best.

Having a child has never been the priority in my life. I’m not sure if I should make it one now.

P.S.: I would be 5 months pregnant now if I did not miscarry……

October 2013. An Eventful Month.

Sorry for the lack of updates here. October was clearly not a good month for me. The same thing happened last year, it happened again this year. I start to hate October. I wish someone could take out October.

I thought this time would be different, because I did feel a little different. I was wrong.

I was pregnant and I miscarried. This time, it was worse. I was 10 weeks when the foetus stopped growing, and I didn’t miscarry naturally. I had to go through a D&C to get rid of the pregnancy.

It was raining, on the day I got the bad news. I couldn’t help but blamed the god, if you’ve given me this gift, why did you have to take it away? Don’t give me something and take it back later! Don’t come tell me that you’re sorry that it was not meant to be.

I went from being sad to mad. I grieved, I blamed, I wondered, and finally, I got over it. All within a week.

I was surprised that this time, I coped so well.

Sometimes, I couldn’t help but think, would things be different if I were to go to the gynae that I’m seeing now? I should have gone to this gynae instead of the other one…… I shouldn’t have waited……

Now, there is still this tiny bit of sadness in the back of my mind. Two miscarriages…… How can I not feel sad? One put me in an operating theatre for the first time in my life…… How can I ever forget that?

The bad news, the D&C, the long medical leave, the pain, the recovery…… All happened in the month of October.

Please, can someone make me forget OCTOBER?

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 The child, that was not meant to be. Mommy loves you and you are always in my heart. Goodbye my angel, please watch over us.

Life With A… Young Boy

Ahh…… The title seems…… Nope, it’s not about me having an affair with some young chap. LOL! Sorry to disappoint you. XD

About two weeks ago, a young boy came to my house, and he’s living with me ever since.

He.Is.My.NEPHEW.

He’s my eldest sister’s eldest son. Just finished his secondary school with flying colours. His ambition, physiotherapist. I asked him why the other day, he said he wants to do something that is not monotonous, that he can have someone talk to during the process, not some machines that can’t talk back. Hmm…… I didn’t expect that from a young boy. Anyway, I’m glad that he knows what he wants, unlike most of the youngsters nowadays do not have a clue of what they really want.

With him in the house, things changed. I feel like I have a, SON.

My worries start in the morning, everyday.

Every morning, I’ll be worrying if he’s taken his breakfast before he goes to study. I don’t want his gastric to act up.

Then, I’ll worry if he manages to catch the bus on time so that he doesn’t have to wait and won’t be late for his classes.

Also, I’ll worry if he catches the right bus so that he doesn’t have to walk too far.

Come noon, I’ll be thinking if he has his lunch, what he has and if it’s enough to last him till dinner.

Afternoon, I’ll worry again if he catches the right bus on time.

And I’ll worry more whenever I think of the busy road that he has to cross when he goes home.

I’ll worry if some robbers or snatch thieves lay their eyes on him. I’ll worry if he tells me he’s going for a swim. I too will worry if he will open door to strangers.

Evening, before I reach home for dinner, I’ll worry if he is hungry and should I ask him go for dinner first.

During dinner, again I’ll worry if the food is enough to fill his stomach.

Before bed, I’ll check if he has his milk/milo before he goes to bed (that is his habit).

I felt bad when he told me he missed the bus, or he didn’t have lunch, or he walked quite a distance because he took the wrong bus, or he was stuck in the bus for an hour due to the bad traffic, or he was sardine-d in the train because of the peak hours.

I can’t go shopping or movie after work, not that he needs me at home, but I’ll feel guilty for leaving him home alone.

I can’t just skip lunches or dinners during weekends, because I’ll feel guilty to let him eat alone.

I can’t wake up late during weekends too, because I’ll need to make sure he has his breakfast.

I hardly sleep earlier than him, because I’ll need to make sure he doesn’t “need” anything else.

My goodness! Is this how a parent feels when they have a child????????

He’s not even my child and I am already worrying so much. And for goodness’ sake, he is 17!

There’s a reason I treat him this way. My mom took care of him since he was a baby, he’s just like the son that my mother never has the chance to have. He has always been with us, and he is close to us. I feel obligated to take care of him when he comes here for studies. And my sister is less worried since she knows I’ll take good care of him.

However, the life with him in the house is soon coming to an end. This weekend, he will be moving to the rented house near his university. Told him that he can come back any time if he doesn’t like it there.

For the past two weeks, I feel like I am undergoing some crash course of parenting, minus the diaper-changing and milk-feeding. I’m not sure how good I am, all I know is I must take good care of him.

I’m gonna miss him, and I will not stop worrying!

P.S.: When my sister came two weeks ago, I jokingly asked her to give her youngest son (she has 2 sons) to me. She said something which warm my heart, “huh…… My children are your children, if you want to take care you can take them any time. Isn’t that already the way it is for us siblings? Look how we take care of each others’ children.” I thank my mom and dad for teaching us well, the bond between us sisters is so strong.

The Word That We Are So Afraid Of

Love?

Hate?

Hopeless?

Death?

There is one particular word that we are so afraid of hearing it, especially when it comes out from someone who we love deeply.

Suicide.

All of us have problems. At some point in your life, you will feel so helpless and hopeless.

When help doesn’t help at all, when hope fades…… This thought becomes even clearer than any other.

When someone feels anger or hatred more than anything else, this thought again, looms.

I’ve had close family members who expressed to me that they’ve thought of death as the only way out. I was afraid, so afraid.

What can I do to make them stop thinking about it? I hadn’t any clue.

There is one thing that I could surely do, show them lots and lots of love.

I talked to them more often, visited them, hugged them more than any other time that I would, and emphasized that I will always love them even when the world gives up on them.

Did it work? I guessed so. They’re still here with me.

The love from family is something that could save lives. I’m glad that our family bond is so strong and that makes things easier. We hold on to one belief, “if thing goes wrong, my family has my back and they will never ever give up on me”.

Last year, I finally understand why would someone think of death as the only way out. I didn’t understand why would one person give up life so easily.

I blamed it on the hormonal changed and emotional instability. See, it just takes a few wrong switches at the wrong time to trigger the thought. If it wasn’t taken care of, bad thing is bound to happen.

It happened during my pregnancy. I was so tired after a long day at work, something at home triggered the rest of the emotions and that’s it. I was throwing tantrums, raising my voice, crying…… A lot of stuff went through my mind. All sorts of silly thoughts, why no one cares about how I feel and all they care about is only themselves, why are they so mean to me, why do I have to listen to them all the time, why do I have to always be the one to give in, why can’t I have any freedom of speech…… All the why’s that I have no answers to. I was angry and upset.

“It would be better if I wasn’t around”, I blurted it out at Andrew and he asked me what I meant.

At that moment, I was looking at the sliding door to the balcony. I wanted to go over, open the door and jump off.

I didn’t do that, of course. I thought of my mom, I couldn’t leave her alone. The thought of her being sad is enough to pull me back to my normal self.

Whenever I look back, I feel scared. It was scary. If the thought were strong enough, I would have done it. Will it happen again? I don’t know. I hope not. I have my family that needs my love, I can’t let them down.

I am no expert in psychology. If you notice someone around you has that negative thought, please seek help. Either from the expert or the family. GET HELP.

There’s always hope no matter how hopeless it seems.

P.S.: I’m not thinking of committing suicide now if you wonder. :) I’m perfectly fine and happy now. I’m not a quitter by nature. So, yeah, it must be the hormones back then. Hahahaha. :D

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Photo taken by Ashley, using Samsung Galaxy Note II.

The Home That The Heart Desires

Yesterday, at 4.46pm, my heart literally stopped for 2 seconds when I saw my father’s number on my handphone screen.

My family doesn’t always call me at this kind of “odd” hours, mom will usually call me at night and dad will usually call me in the morning. My sisters will usually call me in the evening. I have had calls from them at unusual hours and it often turned out to be bad news.

All sorts of bad stuff crossed my mind, it must have been urgent or bad for dad to call me at 4.46pm, unusual! I braced myself to answer the call, and I heard mom’s voice. Geez! I got even more worried. Why couldn’t dad call me from his phone and mom had to do that for him?!

“Hello… It’s your father……” My goodness…… What happened to him?!

“Nothing lah…… Just that he can’t walk or sit since few days ago……” Oh dear, by this time I already felt like crying. Although mom tried to make it sound like it ain’t serious, but she was torturing me with her story-telling.

I’m gonna save you from my mom’s story-telling, so you’re not going to read all the dramas here. :)

My father suffered a severe lower back pain few days ago that he couldn’t sit and walk. Went to acupuncture and a few other doctors and things didn’t get better. So my sister sent him to a specialist and the doctor did an MRI scan, found that his inter-vertebral disc in his lower back has hardened due to old age and bone spurs that suppressed on his nerves. Doctor later found out from my dad that the severe back pain was mainly caused by his incorrect sitting posture while he was on his massage chair!

Dad bought this massage chair before Chinese new year and he has been having a hell of a good time on that chair ever since. Almost everyday he would sit on that chair reading newspaper, with one leg rested on another. Doctor said that his posture caused the lower back to sustain more pressure and slowly caused his degenerated inter-vertebral disc and bone spurs to act up. -__- The doctor suggested him to go through some physiotherapy to ease the condition.

So, massage chair isn’t really all that good huh.

Feel so sad that my parents are ageing faster than I thought.

Feel helpless that I can’t do anything.

Feel frustrated that I can’t be by their side when things like this happen.

The only thing I can do is, to go back more often to see them.

In fact, every time I go back, I’m finding it harder to leave them. The moment I return to KL, I start missing them.

I’ll get so miserable if I don’t see them for more than a month.

The older I get, the more my heart desires to go home.

I guess this is what they always say, home is always where your heart is.

I’m going home next week. Just the thought of it is enough to make me feel delighted. :)

Johor Premium Outlet

During the long Chinese New Year holiday, Andrew and I decided to make a trip to Johor Premium Outlet (JPO). As a Johorian myself, how can I not visit it.

It’s located in Senai, took us one and a half hour from Batu Pahat.

The moment I saw it, I was shocked. It looks so similar to the Paju Premium Outlet in South Korea! Even the color tone of the buildings looks the same. The layout and design are almost identical! I wonder, if the developer/owner is the same person.

Went with my eldest sister and her youngest son. Both of us were busy checking out the prices, while Andrew and my nephew were busy checking out the places and fooling around. My nephew kept asking us if we were done. This is what you get when you have a young boy tagging along in a shopping trip. However, he is sweet enough to just tag along and not whining. In between we would just buy him drinks, snacks, play around…… He is so easy to please. :)

Price wise, sorry to say that I did not find the prices attractive enough. They’re more expensive than Paju Premium Outlet. Of course, you may say that Paju is in South Korea, but I wouldn’t spend RM200 for a Ralph Lauren Polo t-shirt here in Malaysia where I know I can get it for RM130 in Paju. 3 pairs of Nike socks cost RM49, where I only got them for RM24 in Paju and of better quality.

Coach ain’t a lot cheaper than the retail store too. A wallet still cost RM350-RM500, a non-leather shoulder bag/tote still needs RM1500-RM2000. Imagine I got a shoulder/sling bag in Hong Kong for RM850.

Despite that I was disappointed, we spent 6 hours there! We had our lunch and dinner in the one and only food court there, with limited varieties. Sigh.

Actually, I still enjoyed the trip, all because I get to spend time with my sister and nephew. It’s been a while since I last travelled with her, the last time was 2 years ago when I went to Melaka to visit her. We had fun doing all the silly stuff. Travelling with your own sister definitely makes you feel young and naughty again. :)

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I managed to grab 2 bikinis from Roxy, RM99.90 per set, to my surprise, buy one free one! That is the only bargain that is worth buying. I was so over the cloud nine. If you know the prices of Roxy bikinis, you would go crazy over this bargain.

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Also gotten a collar tee from Nike, RM79.

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Now, here’s my nephew. He’s such an adorable heartthrob! He did all the posing without us telling him what to do. He just knows how to pose! I couldn’t help but smile when I see these photos again. :)

Freaking Busy

I am so sorry for the lack of activities here.

I’ve been extremely busy with both my work and personal life.

Been busy preparing for the company’s dinner, which is tonight. It’s all about dinner, dinner and dinner since January. On top of that, I have my daily work and other deadlines to take care of. I think I am going crazy if things continue to move in this pace.

I am not doing everything alone, I have others to help. However, things will either end up getting messed up, delayed or not as expected. Most of the times I’m cleaning up the mess, making calls, chasing for answers, making decisions for others and worse, take everything back and do it on my own. I’m not trying to say that they’re not doing their job, it’s just that if I can’t get things done the way I want, what’s the point of delegating then? If I have to make all the decisions, why do I delegate then? Perhaps, I’m not a good team player and leader. :(

Grandma passed away last Thursday. :( She had a fall on Chinese New Year’s eve. Her health deteriorated since then. It was so heart-breaking to see her lying there getting weaker and weaker and there was nothing we could do. She was still responding to my words and all of us thought she would get better. We were very close to her when we were kids and now that she’s gone. Mom was so devastated. I felt even sadder to see mom so heart-broken. She is so thin now……

I was so busy at work, that I did not even have time to grief or cry when I received the news. I had to swallow all my tears and finished my work before I headed home. No one except my superior in the workplace knows about the news. I am sad that no one cares about how I feel at work, but I am also proud that I could hide my emotions so well that no one knows what’s happening.

Sometimes, you just gotta go through some difficult times to see people/things clearer.

Sometimes, you just gotta experience the heart-breaking moments to appreciate what is important.

Sometimes, you just gotta swallow it all, and live on.

How great life is, constantly busy dealing with our own emotions and feelings. On top of that, we still have to take care of the feelings of others. How tired life is.

P.S.: You’ll perhaps continue to see more inactivity here. After the dinner I will have another project to work on and the deadline is in a month’s time. I will try to write, I will try.

Baby, Baby, I Love You

14th December 2012, Friday

I was so nervous waiting for the news. I couldn’t stop calling my eldest sister for updates. Hahahaha. After some drama, finally my younger sister gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I was begging for a photo of the baby but was told that the baby was put under observation in the nursery and no one could see her. Gggrrrr…… Baby only gets to go home on the 3rd day.

No reason given by the doctor for why the baby was put under observation for so long! None of the medical staff could give a reason! I would have flipped the hospital around if I was there.

Finally, saw my niece last week! The moment I saw her sleeping soundly in the living room, my heart melted. Awww…… She is cuter than I  thought! She has this face that everyone would just go “awww…..” whenever we see her. I told my sister that she could turn the world around by just giving people that “look”. :D She is such a gentle baby, her cries are always soft and gentle and she does not make a lot of fuss. Best of all, she smiles a lot. :) She will give you a wide grin when you touch her cheeks or chin.

I told my sister that she is a special one. She was born with some imperfection. Fortunately it is only 2 of her toes on the right foot, wouldn’t cause any health problem.

I was with her for 3 days, talked to her, carried her, let her sleep in my arms, fed her water, burped her…… Now, I miss her.

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Nurse came to measure her weight. She looks so tiny here. :D