I Gave Up Breastfeeding

…… And I feel guilty all the time.

The mass articles/news/studies/blogs about how great breast-milk is, the so-called “liquid gold”, only make me feel even more guilty. Friends who keep telling me that they will support me and it is my decision to continue or not, again make me feel that I am a bad mom. Not a day goes by without me feeling guilty since the day I stopped breastfeeding…… Not a day I feel guilt-free……

I have a loving husband that loves and adores me more than anything else. When I was exhausted from all the pumping and feeding, he had helped me with cleaning the bottles and fetching the pump. When I was too tired from the midnight pumping, he had helped with the nappy change. When I was too sleepy to wake up, he had helped with warming the breast-milk and feeding the baby. When I was having difficulty breastfeeding and cried every time I breastfeed, he had told me to stop. Again and again, he told me to stop breastfeeding since I suffered from the day I gave birth. He is a very supportive husband and he does support breastfeeding, but he just can’t bear to see his wife suffer and unhappy anymore. “What’s the point of breastfeeding when you are not even happy feeding? You have not been happy since the day you gave birth…… If you fall sick, how to take care of Lucy……” And people always say, happy mommy, happy baby……

I can only blame myself for not getting proper help from a lactation consultant. When I finally did, it was too late.

I was having sore and cracked nipples all the time. When I stopped direct latching to let them heal, I kept having engorgement. The pump never really helped in emptying the breasts.

To this day, I still can’t figure out if it’s bad latch problem or my nipples problem. No one can tell me exactly what is the cause, not even the lactation consultant. All they told me is baby has got perfect latch, but I still felt constant pain whenever baby latched on. They even told me I would get used to it after some time, but I never got used to it. The pain only got more and more intense and worse. The pain would persist hours after the feed. No one could really understand what pain I was going through and I couldn’t exactly describe it. They even told me they have seen cases worse than mine, and I should be able to get through this. But I didn’t.

The day I stopped breastfeeding was the day I got mastitis. I was already having fever for 2 days, on the third night, I woke up to the pain of engorgement. Went to see Dr. Suhaimi and he put me on strong antibiotics. I too went for a breasts ultrasound to make sure there was no abscess. That day, I cried so much and loud. I cried because I can’t breastfeed anymore, I cried because Lucy is not getting breast-milk anymore, and I cried because I’m not going to have that special breastfeeding bonding moment with Lucy anymore. I cried, feeling I’m a bad mother.

The day I had mastitis was also the day Lucy going to her first month check-up. When I told the paediatrician that Lucy was having some mild rashes, she advised us to change her formula to hypo allergic as she suspect Lucy was allergic to cow’s milk. While in the hospital waiting for my turn to do the ultrasound, Lucy already had two feedings with the new formula. When we got home, it was her feeding time again. I was surprised that Lucy did not finish the bottle but at the end, slowly, she finished it. When I was changing her wet diaper, she had projectile vomiting. It was so scary and the milk literally gushed out from her mouth and sprayed across the room, a lot of them! I was alone at home and I got so scared. But amazingly, Lucy was all smile and calm and she didn’t seem bothered with her vomiting. Again, I cried. If I could still breastfeed her, this wouldn’t have happened. I was blaming myself and I felt so bad.

Luckily, the projectile vomiting was just an one-off case. She’s back on the normal formula milk and her rashes are cleared. But my guilt has never gone away.

After I recovered from the mastitis, I noticed that I can still produce milk. I know if I want, I can start breastfeeding again, not direct latching, but I can pump and give Lucy breast-milk again. However, I don’t get support from Andrew.

I know, it’s my body, if I insist, he can’t do a thing. But I know I would not feel good if I don’t get his support and I understand why he does not want me to breastfeed again. He has seen it all, he knows and understands how difficult is and will be.

I asked him many times, if I am selfish for not breastfeeding because I will be very tired. He said, “if you’re tired and can’t take care of baby, that is even worse. And you’re not happy. You still can bond with Lucy in so many ways.”

So, here I am. Everyday fighting with my own devil, until the day I can finally let it go.

I can only comfort myself, at least Lucy did get breast-milk for one and a half months.

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Change of Status

It’s been a while since I last blogged. I admit it was due to my laziness. My pregnant self got even more lazy and every time when I wanted to blog/write, my mind went blank. It’s not easy to have a little human inside you, I guess my little human also sucked my inspiration dry. LOL!

It’s 2015, and it’s February. My baby girl, Lucy came to meet this world on 4th of February.

Now, here’s my birth story. I’d better write it down while I still remember. The pregnant brain got worse after delivery, my memory is so poor nowadays.

I went in to induce labour on the 3rd, which was the expected due date. I did not want to wait for another week of which doctor told me I could. Lucy was already measuring 3.3kg, I worried if I were to wait for another week she would grow bigger and I may not be able to have a normal vaginal birth.

Went to the hospital after breakfast, I was both nervous and scared. Finally, the day has come. I was induced at 12pm, the mild contractions started shortly after. Doctor told us sometimes some people would need a second dose of induction if the pelvic did not dilate the next day. I hope it won’t happen to me.

We waited, contractions got worse that night. It came at every 5 minutes, I couldn’t sleep although the pain was still bearable. The nurses kept asking me I would like an injection for the pain, I rejected as I know it wouldn’t help and I could still cope. I finally got through the night. My plan to welcome Lucy on the 3rd failed.

9.30am, 4th February. Doctor came and did an internal examination and told me I have dilated 2cm and he would break the water bag and put me on drip to make the contractions grow stronger to help with the progress. He said I should be seeing my baby girl later that afternoon. He was such a nice doctor, he reassured me that I do not need epidural as he was confident that I could cope with the pain.

10am, the contractions got stronger and longer. I used the laughing gas to help with the pain.

1pm, I urged Andrew to go home for lunch and all before my contractions got worse and Lucy’s arrival. When he was not around, the nurse came and asked me if I would want the injection for the pain. I know it wouldn’t help with the pain, so I rejected. She then told me that I was in so much pain and my body was all tensed up, the injection could at least help me relax my muscles and help with the dilation. I took the injection, not because of the pain, but I wanted the labour to progress quickly! Silly me to believe the nurse, the injection didn’t help, at all!

3.30pm, I was in so much pain that I could feel that the baby was constantly forcing her way out. I told Andrew to get the doctor as I thought baby was coming out! Doctor came and did a check, dilation was about 3cm to 4cm. He told me I could wait till 5pm, after the water bag broke, we had to deliver the baby within 8 hours. But he also said no guarantee that by 5pm the dilation would be more but most likely it would. And if at 5pm the dilation got to 6cm, then he would wait for another hour for it to get to 10cm.

I was in so much pain and frustrated that the labour progress so slowly! I was crying to Andrew and we were discussing if we want to go for a c-section. Andrew wanted me to wait, I know he didn’t want to see me got cut open. But I was so frustrated and upset with the whole labour thing and I asked him “why do you want to do this to me”. Hahaha. It is just something that I said out of stress, I didn’t really mean it that way. :P

Finally, I decided to go for c-section. Doctor said Andrew couldn’t be in the operating room with me since it was considered as emergency. I was so sad that Andrew couldn’t witness the birth of Lucy.

I was awake during the procedure, it was only half body anaesthesia. Within 10 minutes, doctor showed me baby’s bottom, “what did I tell you?” “It’s a girl……” And then they took the baby away for cleaning and checks. I wept. Finally my baby is out…… I could hear her wailing and crying at the back, I was surprised that her cries were so gentle. The nurse brought the baby to me, I gave her a kiss and she brought Lucy out to the nursery to meet Andrew.

I wanted to give birth naturally, end up I had a c-section. My whole pregnancy had not been easy, and now the labour was also not an easy one. Sigh…… Even my breastfeeding journey was not a smooth one.

Lucky that I recovered very fast from the c-section. Must thank Dr. Suhaimi for his skills and professionalism. He is truly a good doctor.

To this day, I still can’t believe that I gave birth to Lucy, another human being. Many nights I would wake up in the middle of the night, sit there and watch her sleep, and think “is it real that she came from me”. Sometimes I would cry thinking that I’m now a mother to this cute little human. Sometimes I worry too much and fear that I have not been taking good care of her. The tears and joy of a parent……

I also find it unbelievable that my status is now a “MUM”. Yes, I am a mother of one, my baby Lucy.

Emotional

Feeling very emotional now……

Find it hard to believe that I’m moving on to another phase in life. I am so not ready for this. I guess I will only be ready when the moment comes.

The uncertainties are killing me. I have never felt so afraid before.

I feel so overwhelmed just by looking at all the stuff.

Excited? No. That’s not what I feel, please stop telling it’s exciting.

The only comfort I have is, Andrew is in this together. Although sometimes he can’t feel what I feel and he certainly can’t understand why I’m feeling this way, at least he has let me know I’m not alone.

Life will not be the same anymore……

I hope the love I have for her will be able to help me go through all this.

My Babies With Wings

My babies.

How are you doing?

I hope you both are doing great.

I hope you have found each other and keep each other company.

Mommy miss you.

I still feel sad whenever I think of the miscarriages. Especially the second time. Sometimes I would think, if I went to see Dr. Suhaimi earlier, would things be different? I know no point of thinking about that now, I just can’t help it.

It’s been 2 years since the first, and the second since last October. This year, October went past without me realising it’s been another year. Luckily, this year October went without drama.

Whatever happened, it happened for a reason.

Today, I think of them a lot……

Driver Vs. Husband

I have a valid license, driving license that is. However, I don’t drive. “You must be kidding, Ashley! What for you got a driving license then?” You know, just in case the need arises. :P Got it 8 years ago.

I don’t have my own car, Andrew does. He has been the one chauffeuring me around. So, yes, we spend a lot of time together other than at home. Another good thing is, we work in the same area. That is the reason why we don’t need a second car. We both know how burden it is to have 2 cars.

A lot of people are saying that I am lucky that I do not have to drive, and I have a 24-hour chauffeur to drive me around wherever I want.

Well, I never complain. I never find it troublesome to not have my own car. Even when Andrew can’t drive me, I find my ways. Taxi, LRT, bus…… There are times that I find it ridiculous for him to drive me all the way to somewhere and he has to go home on his own, I’ll tell him to just drop me at the nearest LRT station. Sometimes, he will insist to send me to my destination. I don’t argue, I just let him do what makes him happy.

I’ve tried to drive on my own, but he doesn’t trust my skill. :P He’d rather to chauffeur me than see his car got scratched and bumped. Hahaha. I’m not a bad driver, I just need time to get used to his car. The less I practice, the less likely I can drive! And guess what, I learned all my driving skills from him. So, who to blame?

About the point that I am lucky, is very subjective you see.

He’s willing to drive me around, he never complains. The only time he complained was to urge me to get my driving license, “just in case” he said.

He’s worried about my safety too. There used to be times I called him for help because I couldn’t get a taxi from a secluded place.

That is just his way of taking care of his wife.

By the way, my mom doesn’t drive too, and she doesn’t even have a driving license. My father has been the one who drives her around ever since they married. I never heard my father complained, except that he hates to wait. :) Andrew’s mom doesn’t drive too, and she too doesn’t have a driving license. Hahaha. But she does have a motorbike license, she rides motorbike to work, other time father-in-law will be the one who drives her around.

So, it is not that I am lucky that I have a “driver”. He is just, being a husband.

P.S.: When I need to go out and Andrew can’t send me, I’d take public transport. Very often, I would work around his availability. I don’t depend on him, I merely believe that he would want me to ask him first before I work out other options. Also, we always do things together, even buying groceries. :)

In Love With You

It has been months since I got my Daniel Wellington watch. I love it to bits! Love the thin and light body, love the simplicity of it, love the way it pumps up your look no matter what you’re wearing, love its quality leather strap, love the fact that I can change the strap on my own……

Andrew who was previously sceptical about its looks and quality, is now in love with his Classic Bristol too. I asked him once why I don’t see him wearing his Seiko anymore, he said, “after wearing DW, that Seiko looks so bulky and old-fashioned. DW looks so classic”. LOL!!! DW is now officially his working watch. However, he still hasn’t tried on the NATO strap. He wears it to work everyday, so the NATO strap doesn’t seem to suit his working attire.

About the leather strap, it is definitely of high quality as mine is still not completely broken in after wearing it for more than 6 months. The NATO strap gets dirty easily, well, as expected. Now I am an expert in changing the straps. Hahaha.

Recently, I start to see DW being sold locally online. Groupon once had a deal on some DW watches, and recently I saw some online seller selling it on Facebook. I’m not sure how they got the watches, perhaps they bought directly from DW website with discount and sell them at a higher price. I’m just curious, why would someone buy from them since we can buy directly from DW website with free international shipping?

Love my DW so much. It is always the first watch that I pick up every morning, my rose gold Titus has become my second watch. :P

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 Photo by Ashley, taken using Samsung Galaxy Note 2.

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 Photo by Ashley, taken using Samsung Galaxy Note 2.

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 Photo by Ashley, taken using Samsung Galaxy Note 2.

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 Photo by Ashley, taken using Samsung Galaxy Note 2.

I Am Still Here

I know, the inactivity here may make some of you wonder if I have quit blogging or I simply vanish from thin air. LOL! For your information, I have not quit blogging. I am just lazy and tired to write and blog, that’s it.

Sometimes I saw someone posted something interesting on Facebook and thought of blogging about it, but the laziness got the better of me.

Sometimes I was so determined to write something, half way through, I deleted everything because they were nonsense.

Sometimes I wanted to write a poem, but damn, I had no idea what to write about.

Sometimes I planned to write a movie review, but heck I thought no point writing it since it was weeks after I watched it.

There are a lot of things going on at this moment, but I am reluctant to blog about them. My plans, my future, my job…… Everything is so messed up now, I have no idea where I’ll be heading to right now. So many things I want to try and do, but I do not know where to start. A lot of changes will be coming too.

Hope I can gather some inspiration and energy to write more.

Weird First Times

I know everyone has his or her first time for everything, including myself. However, buying baby stuff for my own precious little one makes me feel weird. The weirdest thing I have ever done. LOL!

It’s not my first time buying baby stuff, but I have always been buying for other people’s babies. Whenever the sale-person asked me, I would just say “it’s for my friend/sister’s baby”. Now clearly, I am buying for my own baby. I even find it difficult to confess that I am expecting during my first trimester.

The first time I bought some baby rompers back home, the moment I took out and showed Andrew, he gasped. He couldn’t believe that I was buying them for our baby, I too couldn’t believe that I was actually buying them for my own child! That moment, was like a realisation to us that it is real that we are having a baby. Hahaha. Even right now, we sometimes still find it unbelievable that there’s a baby on the way.

I don’t know when will the maternal instinct kick in, perhaps it will come when I hold my baby for the first time. Right now, except feeling pregnant, I still feel like my usual self. I still want to go for a holiday somewhere and I still want to do things together only with Andrew. The house is still pretty much the same, for the TWO of us. I haven’t even got the mood to clear our room for the baby.

Other than buying baby clothes, we went to a mommy and baby fair recently. It was again so weird to be in the fair looking at those baby stuff. When I saw Andrew carrying that bag of baby diapers, I found it amusing. When I saw the diapers in the house, I told Andrew, “I never expect to see this thing in our house”. LOL! Things still feel surreal now.

DSC_0509The very first rompers that I bought, at FOS Kids. All below RM20.

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Loot from baby fair. It was so funny to see him carrying these baby stuff.

10 Things Married Women Are So Sick of Hearing

Saw this article on Women’s Health FB page and out of curiosity, I read it. They’re pretty hilarious and TRUE.

10 Things Married Women Are So Sick of Hearing

1. So, when are you going to have kids?

This is what I get the most! I know it’s the society norm to get married and have kids, but it is not an absolute thing that a married couple MUST do. I don’t know why people like to ask this question as if it has anything to do with them whether or not I have kids!

2. What’s it like?

When I just got married, people (single especially) around me liked to ask, “so, how is married life?” Seriously, are you really interested to know?

3. You’re different now.

I often got comments like this when I cracked a joke or when I UNDERSTAND some dirty jokes. “Whoa, now that you’re married you’re totally different! Hey, you talk different after you’re married! Oooohhhh, someone’s become naughty after she got married.” –___– Give me a break!

4. When are you changing your name?

Lucky I never get this.

5. Are you going to buy a house?

I got this very often too. Trust me, they never stopped asking until the day I put my down-payment on the house. And after that, the question changed to, “when are you moving to your new house? Are you going to renovate it big time?” @__@

6. What do you think of your in-laws?

What I got is, “how are you getting with your in-laws? Good? Are they good people?” Really, I don’t see how it concerns you. If it’s my parents and close friends who genuinely care, I don’t mind.

7. Do you ever get sick of each other?

Andrew and I are very much in love, I can’t speak on his behalf but I know I always like to be together with him. Wherever I go and whatever I do, I will always like to go and do it with him. When people know that we’re two love birds who can’t separate from each other, they often ask me, “C’mon, you’ll have to be more independent. Aren’t you sick of seeing each other everyday? Don’t you need some alone time?” Yes, we do, we don’t go to the toilet together. ARGH!

8. I could never get married.

No, no one has said this to me.

9. You wouldn’t understand: You’re married.

Yes, someone used to say this to me A LOT. Like the writer said, it’s like I’ve been married since the day I was born and I was never single. When I was single and didn’t have a boyfriend, the same person used to say “you wouldn’t understand: You’re never in love”.

10. Is he your best friend?

I only have people asking me, “do you tell him everything? Do you keep secrets from him? Oh, you do tell him everything. So, he’s your best friend huh?” DUH!

Type-r

I have been writing (I mean typing) a lot, but posted nothing. Every time when I was half way through, I read from the top and I deleted everything. What crap I wrote. I seriously don’t know what’s going on with me, I can’t write like I used to.

I’ve been reading, but I don’t get inspired to write.

I’ve been watching movies, but I don’t feel the urge to blog about them.

I’ve been living (yes, of course!), but I don’t feel the energy to write about my life anymore.

I’ve been working and challenges never stop, but I don’t dwell on them anymore.

A lot of things happened, but I just can’t seem to put them into words.

I have thought of a lot of things that I could write, but when my fingers lingering on the keyboard and eyes looking at this white space, everything just goes out the window.

It’s getting worse lately, I am so lazy to write, or even think. I’d rather be a couch potato watching television shows all day. Sigh……

I need motivation……