Life is the art of drawing without an eraser ~ John W. Gardner

Thoughts & Mood

Are You Okay?

Two months ago, received some bad news at work. Since I had to work out the schedule and costs for the bosses, and keep it confidential, I did not have time to think about how it affects ME.

Days went by, weeks went by, I was so bogged down with the work. The reality and feelings had no chance to sink in. I know it would affect me for certain, and that’s it. I did not know what will hit me though.

Until few weeks ago, the ball finally started rolling. I finally had the time to take a breather, and everything came tumbling down on me.

Sitting down, looking at the letter that I drafted, written, typed, printed, folded, I was overwhelmed by feelings and emotions. Happy that I finally get the push to start planning for a different future, sad that my journey with the company would be cut short, fear of the uncertainty of the future, doubt the decisions that I would be making……

The events that unfold in the following week, got me heartbroken, sad, worried, confused, angry…… All the plans I had in mind have to hold, my dreams will have to wait again.

My feelings were so overwhelmed that I couldn’t find a way to let them all out. I sort of swallowed all of them instead of pouring them out. I did talk to Andrew, but I thought I was matured enough to handle my feelings well. The feelings never went away. In fact, they built up so quickly that I wasn’t even aware that I was at the brink of a breakdown. Until one particular night, I got so angry with Andrew during the dinner over something very small. I snapped and cried my heart out in the bathroom, alone.

Later that night, Andrew asked me one question and that was when I couldn’t hold it anymore.

“Hey, are you okay?” He asked.

He must have sensed something. That one simple question was enough to trigger every emotions. I shook my head, that I’m not okay and cried for another 15 minutes.

I didn’t realise I was so tensed and stressed. I didn’t take time to really think about all of it and I brushed it off when it was actually bothering me.

I was at the edge. Not knowing what to do next.

That one question, pulled me back to the situation now and gave me a chance to release it all.

I managed to sort out my thoughts after that. The future is still uncertain, but at least I know what my options are. I still have fear, but knowing that there will still be a future is at least comforting.

If you have friends or family going through a difficult time, please take time to show that you care. Put your hands around their shoulders and ask them with your heart, “are you okay”. Be a good listener, give them a hug and assure them that you’ll be there for them no matter what.

Sometimes, all we need is just a shoulder to cry on.

Just Because He HELPS

…… doesn’t mean he’s not taking the responsibility of our child.

Yes, the child belongs to both parties. When one party does more than the other, we often say “he doesn’t help much”, or “she helps a lot”. It’s just a common thing for us to say, sometimes it means no harm. Of course, I will get upset too if Andrew were to say “hey look, I did HELP you to change Lucy’s diaper”. Look, I know you did, but do you have to mention it on purpose? What do you want? So that I could THANK you? Or praise that you’re a good father?

In reality, Andrew does take care of our baby. However, he’s doing less of that recently because he knows I will want to do everything. To some extent, that’s true. I love taking care of my baby girl because I love to talk to her and bond with her. However, it wouldn’t hurt if he could take the initiative to wash the bottles, do the laundry and fetch the bottle when it’s time to feed. I kind of miss the first month, where he took good care of the baby especially during the night, he would get up when baby got up, changed her diaper, soothed her when she cried, fed her while I was pumping, washed my pump and the bottles……

Every now and then, I will say “thank you” to him. He would dismiss it by saying “silly, I’m just doing what I should be doing”. Yes, he is, but I just want him to know I appreciate what he did.

Recently I just told him, “you’re not very involved in taking care of Lucy anymore, you don’t even change her diaper now. You just like to sit there talk to her, or sometimes sit there with her staring at you and you watching TV”. I even told him that he doesn’t offer to wash the bottles like he used to. And I told him I would like him to at least HELP me wash the bottle during night feed. These days, he doesn’t even have to get up during the night because he knows very well I will be doing everything. Sometimes it does piss me off a little to see him sleeping soundly and I’m all awake feeding the baby. I am willing to do all this, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to do!

What prompted me to write this is this –> Just Because I Get Up in the Night Doesn’t Mean I Deserve Praise

No, I will not PRAISE Andrew too. I will not praise and say that he is a good father just because he gets up in the night. I too will not praise him for changing the diaper. BUT, I will say “thank you”.

I know a lot of people will tell me that I have a good husband and I should be grateful. Yes, who said that I’m not grateful. I am. I’m happy that he HELPS. He knows he has his limits in taking care of baby, he knows I am better at it. So, it’s only natural that I do more. When he does less, it’s natural for us to say that he “helps”. We all know that he doesn’t just help, he takes care of our baby.

I always say, “I go shower, you HELP me look after her for a while”.

“PLEASE watch over her, I’m going to do the laundry.”

“Can you HELP me wash the bottle?”

Whenever I asked, he would say OK. So, I learned the trick. I have to open my mouth and ask him to do it.

There’s nothing wrong in saying that he HELPS and to thank him.

Yes, it’s a partnership. You do say thank you’s in partnership though.

Shitty Memory

When I saw the posts in my WP admin board, I went “what the f……”

My memory is so bad now that I actually forgot that I’ve written the same thing last month!

double post


First, I didn’t believe that pregnancy could mess up our memories, just a little yes, but I didn’t know it would be serious.

And I didn’t believe that even after birth our memories continue to be shitty, and it will only get worse.

It’s so bad that sometimes I forget what I want to say/do in an instance.

I’ve asked Andrew many times, “did I tell you xxxx before?” His answer will always be “yes you did”. -__-

Sometimes when we eat out, “come, let’s go……” “Hey…… We’ve yet to pay ok” He would remind me. @__@

Went to do some grocery shopping, “what do you want to buy?” “Ummm… let me think… wait…… oh…… hhmmm…… I remember I need to get something for Lucy…… I still could remember it when we left home you know…… ARGH!!! Forget it!”

“Where is the wedding dinner?” “Corus.” “Oh…… I think you told me before.” “Yes, I did, my dear.”

“I remember you told me you’re going somewhere this weekend.” “Yes, to service my car.” Few days later I asked him the same question again. LOL!

“How are you going to go to the graduation ceremony after you send your car for servicing?” “Carlyn will come fetch me.” And I asked him again on that day. LOL!

When I saw my boss walked past, “hey boss, I’ve something to ask you…… *2 seconds later* I’m sorry, I forgot what it is……” “You come look for me when you recall.” @__@

Went into the kitchen, then I looked around. Bloody hell, forgot why I went to the kitchen.

I can go on and on.

So, if you read my breastfeeding post before, please pardon me. Hahahaha.

Any remedy to improve our memory?

When I Become A Parent

I used to get annoyed with baby’s crying.
When I become a parent,
My baby’s cries don’t sound as annoying anymore.

I used to feel disgusting when I see baby’s poo.
When I become a parent,
I examine the poo just to make sure she’s healthy.

I used to jump and stay as far as possible when baby poops.
When I become a parent,
I used my hand to catch the poo (as there was nothing nearby I could use to prevent it from spraying across the room!).

I used to think getting angry with the baby was stupid.
When I become a parent,
I understand even the newborn could drive you up the walls and it’s not stupid to feel angry.

I used to think “poor mommy” when the baby cries hysterically in the shopping mall.
When I become a parent,
I don’t give a f*** what you think, my baby needs to EAT/SLEEP/CHANGE DIAPER!

I used to say “I will never feed my child in an open shaded area under the hot sun”.
When I become a parent,
I realised it is inevitable that you have to feed anywhere, any time, rain or shine.

I used to snort at parents when they used a long harness to prevent their children from running too far away.
When I become a parent,
I know I have to do everything I could to protect my child.

I used to feel agitated when children banging the dishes/cutlery/table in a restaurant.
When I become a parent,
I figure anything that can keep my baby calm and occupied, I will do it.

I used to say I will not bring my child to certain places just so that I can enjoy peaceful moments.
When I become a parent,
I want to bring my baby anywhere I go because I want to be with her.

I used to wonder why my friends are always late.
When I become a parent,
I have to get ready 2 hours before I leave the house and I will still be late.

When I become a parent, I learned one thing.
You will do all the things that every parent will do. Hahahahaha.

There is no bad parent in the world, we are all the same somehow. :)

Marriage Is An Act

Yes, marriage is an act because it is something that we have to constantly WORK on. It is not just a piece of paper with our beautiful signatures (my signature on my marriage certificate is ugly though, LOL) on it, nor is it a status that merely says you are now not available to date other guys/girls. The WORK doesn’t end the day you tie the knot. In fact, the WORK starts the day you say “till death do us part”.

I’m not an expert in marriage and I don’t give advice on relationship. I am just expressing my views.

Recently, I’ve read this piece of article written by some columnist, “5 reasons we can’t handle marriage anymore“. It has gone viral. There are people who praised the author for being spot on and of course, there are people who slammed the author for writing such a sh**y stuff since he failed his own marriage.

I’m not here to argue or support his points, I just think that there are more than 5 reasons that we can’t handle marriage anymore (well, some of us still can).

Sex, finances, social media aren’t good reasons that marriages don’t work. Yes, sex is important, but it’s not everything. Just like money, it is of course important, but money can’t buy everything. I’m pretty sure a couple will be able to work things out when the finances are tough. However, if one is unwilling to compromise and work it out, even the smallest stuff can cripple a marriage.

I’m not perfect, Andrew is not perfect (although he is close enough in my eyes :) ). There are times that we get so frustrated with each other but, we still respect each other. He is still the person I go to when I need advices, he still listens to my crappy stories, he still asks me to go movie with him and he still wants to spend time with me. If one of us doesn’t make the effort, this marriage won’t work (seeing that I got my temper and he’s got his own temper).

We are not rich, we earn enough to make ends meet. Now with a new family member (or I should say 3 since his parents are staying with us too :P), we have to work out how to spread the expenses. So, no, finances can’t be the reason that marriage doesn’t work. As husband and wife, sharing the load is essential. Unless you have a husband or wife that is rich enough to pay for all the expenses alone, sharing is definitely CARING. I can’t imagine if Andrew wouldn’t want to share the load, that would mean that he doesn’t care.

Social media is not a good reason that marriage don’t work. Yes, Andrew and I do spend time on our handphones browsing Facebook and stuff. However, we will tell each other if one finds the other person is doing it excessively. I will tell him I don’t like it when he spends too much time on his laptop, and he will tell me the same too when I am glued to my handphone all day. Communication is the key. If you don’t communicate, social media is the least you should worry about. In fact, technology helps us get closer. He would text me during the day, before this without WhatsApp, we didn’t “talk” to each other when we’re at work, until we finally met after work.

To me, the keys to maintain a marriage have never changed. It is our attitude to marriage that has changed. People now are more susceptible to temptations and having low tolerance to stress, when they hit an obstacle, they simply give up or give in instead of finding ways to make things work.

Andrew and I too experience ups and downs of a marriage. We too will argue and fight, but we will try to tell each other what we dislike before it becomes a fight later on. Years ago some incident happened, it is something I did not share with anyone. I did not even blog about it, but it is some thing I will never forget, a constant reminder. We worked it out fortunately. That’s because our love for each other is strong and we could not give up on the other person. I cannot imagine if he gave up.

So, to handle marriage and to make it work, requires a lot of work and effort. It is an everyday’s work. Nobody says marriage is easy. We can’t put the blame on the external factors for our failed marriages. We can only blame ourselves for not trying harder. Social media? Not getting enough sex? No money? Technology? They’re all excuses. As long as both parties are willing, things will work out. When one party fails, the whole marriage fails too.

I set my parents as an example. I will want to be like them, grow old together with my other half through thick and thin.

Hello Lucy

If you’re reading my blog recently, you’ll notice that I have been blogging about my experience as a parent. Please bear with me for a while, I gotta write all of them down when the memories are still fresh in my mind. I have very poor memory after giving birth, I’d better write all of them down before I forget.

You know, we are often touched by the scene we saw on TV or in movies, that a mother cried after seeing her baby for the first time. Drama right? I can tell you that it is not drama. I too cried (just a little :P) when I saw Lucy for the first time.

It was such a pity that I had an emergency c-section, Andrew did not get to see her birth. And I too did not get to hold her immediately after she was born.

When the nurse carried her to me (after cleaning her up), Lucy was all bright-eyed! I thought “aww…… my little girl is so round and fair!!!” That’s it, just one look and I cried. I did not get to touch her until I came out from the operating theatre. I felt pity for my girl, she did not get the chance to have skin-to-skin contact with her mommy. :( That is one thing I regret. I was surrounded by family members, I did not have a lot of privacy and alone time after I gave birth. I should have asked all of them to give us some alone time, but I was too afraid to ask. My baby Lucy, was in the crib until everyone finally left and Andrew placed her in my arms. I did not cry again, because I was too tired and did not know what to feel. Now, I understand how tired it is, I guess I would not visit my friends anymore on the day they just give birth. Privacy and alone time with the newborn is all the mother needs during the first day.

The next day, I finally could sit up and breastfeed. That’s the time I finally got a good look at my baby. She is so fair, she’s got my fingers, her eyes are so bright and she’s got pretty eyebrows! Also, she is so tall. Finally, I could feel my mother instinct, I am the mother of this beautiful baby girl. Someone will call me “mommy” soon. That feeling, that revelation, is amazing.

Lucy, my baby. Mommy is so happy that you came into our life. All the pain are nothing when I get to see your little face everyday.

I Gave Up Breastfeeding

…… And I feel guilty all the time.

The mass articles/news/studies/blogs about how great breast-milk is, the so-called “liquid gold”, only make me feel even more guilty. Friends who keep telling me that they will support me and it is my decision to continue or not, again make me feel that I am a bad mom. Not a day goes by without me feeling guilty since the day I stopped breastfeeding…… Not a day I feel guilt-free……

I have a loving husband that loves and adores me more than anything else. When I was exhausted from all the pumping and feeding, he had helped me with cleaning the bottles and fetching the pump. When I was too tired from the midnight pumping, he had helped with the nappy change. When I was too sleepy to wake up, he had helped with warming the breast-milk and feeding the baby. When I was having difficulty breastfeeding and cried every time I breastfeed, he had told me to stop. Again and again, he told me to stop breastfeeding since I suffered from the day I gave birth. He is a very supportive husband and he does support breastfeeding, but he just can’t bear to see his wife suffer and unhappy anymore. “What’s the point of breastfeeding when you are not even happy feeding? You have not been happy since the day you gave birth…… If you fall sick, how to take care of Lucy……” And people always say, happy mommy, happy baby……

I can only blame myself for not getting proper help from a lactation consultant. When I finally did, it was too late.

I was having sore and cracked nipples all the time. When I stopped direct latching to let them heal, I kept having engorgement. The pump never really helped in emptying the breasts.

To this day, I still can’t figure out if it’s bad latch problem or my nipples problem. No one can tell me exactly what is the cause, not even the lactation consultant. All they told me is baby has got perfect latch, but I still felt constant pain whenever baby latched on. They even told me I would get used to it after some time, but I never got used to it. The pain only got more and more intense and worse. The pain would persist hours after the feed. No one could really understand what pain I was going through and I couldn’t exactly describe it. They even told me they have seen cases worse than mine, and I should be able to get through this. But I didn’t.

The day I stopped breastfeeding was the day I got mastitis. I was already having fever for 2 days, on the third night, I woke up to the pain of engorgement. Went to see Dr. Suhaimi and he put me on strong antibiotics. I too went for a breasts ultrasound to make sure there was no abscess. That day, I cried so much and loud. I cried because I can’t breastfeed anymore, I cried because Lucy is not getting breast-milk anymore, and I cried because I’m not going to have that special breastfeeding bonding moment with Lucy anymore. I cried, feeling I’m a bad mother.

The day I had mastitis was also the day Lucy going to her first month check-up. When I told the paediatrician that Lucy was having some mild rashes, she advised us to change her formula to hypo allergic as she suspect Lucy was allergic to cow’s milk. While in the hospital waiting for my turn to do the ultrasound, Lucy already had two feedings with the new formula. When we got home, it was her feeding time again. I was surprised that Lucy did not finish the bottle but at the end, slowly, she finished it. When I was changing her wet diaper, she had projectile vomiting. It was so scary and the milk literally gushed out from her mouth and sprayed across the room, a lot of them! I was alone at home and I got so scared. But amazingly, Lucy was all smile and calm and she didn’t seem bothered with her vomiting. Again, I cried. If I could still breastfeed her, this wouldn’t have happened. I was blaming myself and I felt so bad.

Luckily, the projectile vomiting was just an one-off case. She’s back on the normal formula milk and her rashes are cleared. But my guilt has never gone away.

After I recovered from the mastitis, I noticed that I can still produce milk. I know if I want, I can start breastfeeding again, not direct latching, but I can pump and give Lucy breast-milk again. However, I don’t get support from Andrew.

I know, it’s my body, if I insist, he can’t do a thing. But I know I would not feel good if I don’t get his support and I understand why he does not want me to breastfeed again. He has seen it all, he knows and understands how difficult is and will be.

I asked him many times, if I am selfish for not breastfeeding because I will be very tired. He said, “if you’re tired and can’t take care of baby, that is even worse. And you’re not happy. You still can bond with Lucy in so many ways.”

So, here I am. Everyday fighting with my own devil, until the day I can finally let it go.

I can only comfort myself, at least Lucy did get breast-milk for one and a half months.


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