Are You Okay?

Two months ago, received some bad news at work. Since I had to work out the schedule and costs for the bosses, and keep it confidential, I did not have time to think about how it affects ME.

Days went by, weeks went by, I was so bogged down with the work. The reality and feelings had no chance to sink in. I know it would affect me for certain, and that’s it. I did not know what will hit me though.

Until few weeks ago, the ball finally started rolling. I finally had the time to take a breather, and everything came tumbling down on me.

Sitting down, looking at the letter that I drafted, written, typed, printed, folded, I was overwhelmed by feelings and emotions. Happy that I finally get the push to start planning for a different future, sad that my journey with the company would be cut short, fear of the uncertainty of the future, doubt the decisions that I would be making……

The events that unfold in the following week, got me heartbroken, sad, worried, confused, angry…… All the plans I had in mind have to hold, my dreams will have to wait again.

My feelings were so overwhelmed that I couldn’t find a way to let them all out. I sort of swallowed all of them instead of pouring them out. I did talk to Andrew, but I thought I was matured enough to handle my feelings well. The feelings never went away. In fact, they built up so quickly that I wasn’t even aware that I was at the brink of a breakdown. Until one particular night, I got so angry with Andrew during the dinner over something very small. I snapped and cried my heart out in the bathroom, alone.

Later that night, Andrew asked me one question and that was when I couldn’t hold it anymore.

“Hey, are you okay?” He asked.

He must have sensed something. That one simple question was enough to trigger every emotions. I shook my head, that I’m not okay and cried for another 15 minutes.

I didn’t realise I was so tensed and stressed. I didn’t take time to really think about all of it and I brushed it off when it was actually bothering me.

I was at the edge. Not knowing what to do next.

That one question, pulled me back to the situation now and gave me a chance to release it all.

I managed to sort out my thoughts after that. The future is still uncertain, but at least I know what my options are. I still have fear, but knowing that there will still be a future is at least comforting.

If you have friends or family going through a difficult time, please take time to show that you care. Put your hands around their shoulders and ask them with your heart, “are you okay”. Be a good listener, give them a hug and assure them that you’ll be there for them no matter what.

Sometimes, all we need is just a shoulder to cry on.

Is Dress Code Necessary In An Organisation?

If you’ve been following me on my blog, or read enough, you’d know by now what my profession is. On and off I have to crack my head and squeeze out some extra brain juice for the company policies.

Sometimes I wonder, we are all adults, we should be able to know what is right, what we should do and what we should not do, why do we still need so many rules and policies to discipline us? On the other hand, I know there are people who will try very hard to find the loopholes and push the limits just so that they benefit more from the restricted situation. Sigh…… Trust me, we human are very creative when it comes to rule-breaking.

I’m not talking about a dress code that you have to follow strictly on what to wear. It’s more of a guideline on what is considered inappropriate in the office environment. Without a clear guidelines, people tend to test the limits. For example, when you say “appropriate length”, everyone has their own interpretation of appropriate length. What I deem short, the other person may not think so. Some think that as long as it’s slightly longer than a mini skirt, it’s fine. Some think that as long as it looks smart and neat then it’s fine to be short. I have even seen some fashion boutiques labelling some mini dresses as “work wear”.

I have people telling me that, “my butt is big, so the skirt looks shorter on me…… I am taller, that’s why it’s short.” How does that justify you wearing short? When you go to buy your clothes, don’t you try them on? If it appears to be short, do you still insist on buying? No harm to dress pretty for work, but pretty doesn’t mean you can’t look professional. I am tall too (5’7″), but I don’t use that as an excuse to wear something short.

I don’t deny that I did wear something short, but when someone told me it is short, I took note and I don’t wear it to work again. There were also times that I myself felt that it’s short when I was in the office and I don’t wear it again. When I buy clothes, I take extra note on the length of skirt and pants. It really makes me wonder, why can’t others do the same?

I really don’t wish the company to impose such strict rules on what we wear. We are all adults, we should know better how to discipline ourselves better. We are not children that need to be told what is right or wrong. Be a grown up, dress according to your profession and age.

I’m not some old lady who doesn’t have a fashion sense, and I’m not jealous of people wearing short skirts but I don’t. I do wear short skirts and mini dresses, not to work though. I just think you are portraying the company’s image through your actions, that includes what you wear.

Elegant-Contrast-Mini-Dress

This is a pretty dress, but is it appropriate for work?

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Yes, I’ve seen people wearing this short to work.

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I would love to wear these dresses, but not to work definitely.

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Again, it runs a little too short for office wear.

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Does pairing a mini dress with tights/stockings make a mini dress looks professional?

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Now, I can totally see myself wearing these to work.

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Yes, I’ve seen people wore this to work too. On a smart casual dress down day though.

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And yes, I’ve seen people wearing this too and they think it looks “professional” just because they wore a working shirt.

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Please tell me I’m not being too strict or conservative.

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My skirts are mostly this length.

P.S.: I find Corporette has the coolest advice on female office wear.

Random #16 – Office

Wow…… Looks like it’s been some time since I last posted something “random”.

Two days ago, my colleague told me something funny and when I heard that, I laughed hysterically. I couldn’t stop laughing whenever I think of it.

Colleague 1: There’s someone from Jurassic Park looking for you.
Colleague 2: HUH???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It turned out that someone from the lawyer firm Zulrafique & Partners came.

Zulrafique & Partners = Jurassic Park???????!!!!!!!!!

Now, go laugh your a** off. I know you want to. :P

Lesson learned, make sure you get the name correctly, don’t make yourself look like a fool. :P

Returning The Favor

To return the favor, it could be either good or bad.

We are taught to return the favor when someone helps us. We are never taught to return the favor when someone is mean to us, or we call it revenge. It is always said that revenge only makes you feeling even more bitter, makes you a hater. Even if you manage to return the favor, you can’t undo what is done.

Unlike returning a good deed, others feel happy and you feel happier. Returning the favor should be a circle, it goes round and round, on and on, it should never stop. We often feel elated when we help someone and the world could always use an extra helping hand.

We are also told that to treat people how you would want to be treated, never do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you. Recently, I saw the photo below on Facebook and I laughed. I laughed, and I concurred.

FB Image

When the other person doesn’t really care about me, I feel that it is only wasting time to continue to show that I care. Someone said, keep showing them the love since they may need it. Hell with that. I’m not a saint. I can’t love someone who constantly treats me like a doormat. I may or may not return the favor, but I will certainly distant myself from that person, either physically or emotionally.

A very simple rule, you treat me nice, and I’ll treat you the same. When you are mean to me, please don’t expect me to be an angel. When I turn my back on you, you should know damn well that it is time for you to walk out of my life. Don’t go around telling others how I have failed you, remember, it works both way.

Have you ever revenged? Was it really “sweet revenge”?

Where Am I Heading To?

It’s been weeks since I last blogged.

I miss writing, I definitely do. It’s just I don’t have the luxury of time to sit and think, and reflect. I sometimes get scared that the time goes by so fast and I have not done enough to achieve what I want to achieve. Frustration is catching up real fast… and stress.

I have always pride myself for able to deal with my stress beautifully, but recently I find myself giving in to the stress easily.

I am busy at work, but not that kind of busy that I will bury myself in work until I forgot to take my lunch or having a break. However, the stress level is very high. Tasks that cannot be done within the deadlines, outstanding issues that cannot be solved within a short period of time, prolonged issues from the past that keep haunting me every now and then, ad-hoc stuffs that required more attention and time, important but not urgent tasks that need more time than the rest, ongoing projects or assignments that can’t seem to end, people problems or issues that keep creeping back, constantly on my guards for fear that someone would stab me in the back again even-though I know I did not make any mistake……

I used to be passionate about what I’m doing, but I think I lost my passion somewhere along the road.

When you give your passion and effort whole-heartedly, what you get is disappointments and frustrations all the time, you can’t help but feel demotivated. I put in more passion and effort when I feel demotivated. I fuel my motivation from inside, but now I can’t do it anymore. I feel like an empty shell that I have nothing to give anymore, and I have nothing to draw from anymore.

I don’t know where this road will take me if I continue to stay on this path……

The only thing that makes me stay on this path now is the monetary reward, nothing else.

I seriously don’t know how long I can take all this.

How The Hell Do I Go Through This?!

People say, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. So, what happens to the not-so-tough ones? They die? Bullshit! I say we are all tough ones to be able to live in this shitty world.

I couldn’t believe how far I’ve come, and I couldn’t believe I’ve put up with this one particular person for so many years!

Being me, the bad-tempered Ashley, I would have become a big bully here. However, that’s not the case!

I could have easily gone down the bully road. That would make my job much easier. Why haven’t I done that????????????

Why do I still put up with someone who constantly threatens me and stay in this hell hole?????????????????

Why do I let someone threatens me in the first place????????????????????

What is wrong with me?????????????????????

How can I being labelled as bad-tempered but yet letting others walk all over me???????

I don’t feel myself anymore.

I sacrificed my true self, so that I could survive.

What else do I need to sacrifice?

No. No more.

I shall now go for the money.

I must get out of this shitty place!

This hopeless place!

First time, in my life, that I am saying, I give up.

This is, hopeless.

P.S.: Pardon my bad mood. Again, I let one person affects my mood. She is just so mean, to the core.

Protected: Don’t Argue With Stupid People. It Worked!

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IDIOTS

Do you believe that the more you deal with idiots, the more likely you will become one too?

What do you do when you’re surrounded by idiots?

I still can’t seem to handle idiots well. I still get agitated by them. Especially when they do idiotic stuff that really push me to the edge. ARGH! Someone said don’t argue with idiots, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with it. It is easier said than done. :(

Recently, I start to feel like I am an idiot too. :(

If I were any smarter, I would have gotten out of this hell hole and stop complaining.

My heart is singing,

Somebody save me
Let your warm hands break right through it
Somebody save me
I don’t care how you do it, just stay, stay
C’mon, I’ve been waiting for you.

When will my superman come to my rescue? T__T

Freaking Busy

I am so sorry for the lack of activities here.

I’ve been extremely busy with both my work and personal life.

Been busy preparing for the company’s dinner, which is tonight. It’s all about dinner, dinner and dinner since January. On top of that, I have my daily work and other deadlines to take care of. I think I am going crazy if things continue to move in this pace.

I am not doing everything alone, I have others to help. However, things will either end up getting messed up, delayed or not as expected. Most of the times I’m cleaning up the mess, making calls, chasing for answers, making decisions for others and worse, take everything back and do it on my own. I’m not trying to say that they’re not doing their job, it’s just that if I can’t get things done the way I want, what’s the point of delegating then? If I have to make all the decisions, why do I delegate then? Perhaps, I’m not a good team player and leader. :(

Grandma passed away last Thursday. :( She had a fall on Chinese New Year’s eve. Her health deteriorated since then. It was so heart-breaking to see her lying there getting weaker and weaker and there was nothing we could do. She was still responding to my words and all of us thought she would get better. We were very close to her when we were kids and now that she’s gone. Mom was so devastated. I felt even sadder to see mom so heart-broken. She is so thin now……

I was so busy at work, that I did not even have time to grief or cry when I received the news. I had to swallow all my tears and finished my work before I headed home. No one except my superior in the workplace knows about the news. I am sad that no one cares about how I feel at work, but I am also proud that I could hide my emotions so well that no one knows what’s happening.

Sometimes, you just gotta go through some difficult times to see people/things clearer.

Sometimes, you just gotta experience the heart-breaking moments to appreciate what is important.

Sometimes, you just gotta swallow it all, and live on.

How great life is, constantly busy dealing with our own emotions and feelings. On top of that, we still have to take care of the feelings of others. How tired life is.

P.S.: You’ll perhaps continue to see more inactivity here. After the dinner I will have another project to work on and the deadline is in a month’s time. I will try to write, I will try.

Colleagues

Some of you may wonder, why I never blog about my co-workers/colleagues/peers (whatever you call them).

I have this principle, I don’t bring my working life into my personal life and vice versa.

My colleagues do not know my friends, and my friends have never met my colleagues. The people I know from both worlds, never “collide”. :) Only Andrew met my colleagues.

Why do I have such a weird principle? Well, it is because I am a different person in two different world. If you ask my colleagues and friends what they think of me, you’ll most likely get 2 different answers. Both of them can be right about me. We all behave and react differently under different circumstances. Plus, there are things that you are not supposed to share with your colleagues and there are things at work that you’re not supposed to share with your friends.

I tend to be a more carefree person when I’m with my friends. I get to be myself, talk nonsense and say things that I know I can never say with my colleagues. My friends won’t judge me.

When it comes to my colleagues, I am a little more reserved. I have to work with them, so there are things that I know I should not do or say. There would be times where I accidentally let my carefree self out, they would be so surprised and convinced that I was NOT being myself on that particular day. For they do not know, that IS ME.

I do have colleagues that I am close with and they’re friends too. However, they still do not get to see the other side of me. We see each other at work, occasionally we have dinner together, and that is it. I treat them as my friends, but I hardly pour myself out on them. When I want to do that, I go to my friends who are not my colleagues. I do not bring my personal life to work and I do not want to develop a personal life in the workplace. This is where I work and it requires me to be professional if not all the time, most of the times. I can’t allow a personal relationship that will affect my decision.

I can’t avoid the friendship in workplace. After all, I see my colleagues more than I see my friends. It is only natural that colleagues develop become friends. The friendship between my colleagues and I are unique. We are close, but not close enough.

I do not want to introduce my colleagues to my friends too, I would like to keep that “line” clear.

Fortunately, I am good in balancing both worlds. Tiring? Sometimes. Good that I have Andrew to go to whenever I need a break from all of them. :) I am my true evil self when I’m with Andrew, every little dark side of me is unleashed when I’m with him. No one would wish to see that. Hahahahahahaha……

My colleagues, are a secret to my friends. They may know the stories in my workplace, but they do not know who my colleagues are.

My friends, are a secret to my colleagues. They have no idea what kind of friends I have.

Do you have another alter ego?