Life is the art of drawing without an eraser ~ John W. Gardner

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My Rainbow

Do you know that a child born after a miscarriage is called a rainbow baby?

Lucy is my special rainbow baby, after 2 miscarriages.

Just when I was about to move on with my life of not having a baby, rainbow happened.

After the second miscarriage in late 2013, I was heartbroken. I was not desperately for a baby, my heart broke because it’s another live gone. My body and mental just couldn’t take the disappointment again.

I went for my long overdue pap-smear in early May 2014, wanted to move on. I even had plans to go Tibet and Mount Everest base camp with Andrew in 2015. We both decided it’s time to stop thinking about the baby and focus on ourselves. My gynae even suggested to me to take the Hepatitis B injections since I stopped planning for baby. I told him I needed some time to think about the injections (not cheap ok). It was a blessing in disguise that I did not take the first injection that day.

Early of June 2014, I found out I was pregnant and I was both shocked and disappointed. I have so many plans and all of a sudden they went down the drain.

Took me quite a while to accept the reality. And took me a long time to stop worrying about miscarriage.

Everyone would ask me why I named her Lucy. I can’t tell you exactly why. The name appeared few months into the pregnancy, even before we know the gender. I told Andrew if it’s a girl I would want to name her Lucy, and I had a strong feeling that it was going to be a girl.

I got curious why would the name appear out of no where and I felt so strongly to it. I went Google the meaning of the name, partly also I want to make sure it doesn’t mean something negative. Wikipedia says:

Lucy is an English and French feminine given name derived from Latin masculine given name Lucius with the meaning as of light (born at dawn or daylight, maybe also shiny, or of light complexion). Alternative spellings are Luci, Luce, Lucie. Lucy is also an American, Australian, Canadian, English, Irish, Scottish, Welsh and French surname.

LIGHT! How apt. She was the light at the end of the tunnel, just when I thought all hopes were gone. There she came, brighten up our life.

Lucy, truly my light, my rainbow.

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Just Because He HELPS

…… doesn’t mean he’s not taking the responsibility of our child.

Yes, the child belongs to both parties. When one party does more than the other, we often say “he doesn’t help much”, or “she helps a lot”. It’s just a common thing for us to say, sometimes it means no harm. Of course, I will get upset too if Andrew were to say “hey look, I did HELP you to change Lucy’s diaper”. Look, I know you did, but do you have to mention it on purpose? What do you want? So that I could THANK you? Or praise that you’re a good father?

In reality, Andrew does take care of our baby. However, he’s doing less of that recently because he knows I will want to do everything. To some extent, that’s true. I love taking care of my baby girl because I love to talk to her and bond with her. However, it wouldn’t hurt if he could take the initiative to wash the bottles, do the laundry and fetch the bottle when it’s time to feed. I kind of miss the first month, where he took good care of the baby especially during the night, he would get up when baby got up, changed her diaper, soothed her when she cried, fed her while I was pumping, washed my pump and the bottles……

Every now and then, I will say “thank you” to him. He would dismiss it by saying “silly, I’m just doing what I should be doing”. Yes, he is, but I just want him to know I appreciate what he did.

Recently I just told him, “you’re not very involved in taking care of Lucy anymore, you don’t even change her diaper now. You just like to sit there talk to her, or sometimes sit there with her staring at you and you watching TV”. I even told him that he doesn’t offer to wash the bottles like he used to. And I told him I would like him to at least HELP me wash the bottle during night feed. These days, he doesn’t even have to get up during the night because he knows very well I will be doing everything. Sometimes it does piss me off a little to see him sleeping soundly and I’m all awake feeding the baby. I am willing to do all this, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to do!

What prompted me to write this is this –> Just Because I Get Up in the Night Doesn’t Mean I Deserve Praise

No, I will not PRAISE Andrew too. I will not praise and say that he is a good father just because he gets up in the night. I too will not praise him for changing the diaper. BUT, I will say “thank you”.

I know a lot of people will tell me that I have a good husband and I should be grateful. Yes, who said that I’m not grateful. I am. I’m happy that he HELPS. He knows he has his limits in taking care of baby, he knows I am better at it. So, it’s only natural that I do more. When he does less, it’s natural for us to say that he “helps”. We all know that he doesn’t just help, he takes care of our baby.

I always say, “I go shower, you HELP me look after her for a while”.

“PLEASE watch over her, I’m going to do the laundry.”

“Can you HELP me wash the bottle?”

Whenever I asked, he would say OK. So, I learned the trick. I have to open my mouth and ask him to do it.

There’s nothing wrong in saying that he HELPS and to thank him.

Yes, it’s a partnership. You do say thank you’s in partnership though.

IKEA Or Not? #5

Wow, it’s almost 2 years ago since I last blogged about what I bought from IKEA for my home. Of course, I still shop in IKEA. Mainly small items which I don’t think worth to blog. Recently got some big (okay, not really that big lah, chest of drawers and chair lor) items from IKEA again. I would say worth every penny.

We were busy clearing and cleaning our bedroom to welcome the baby. Since we can’t fit all the baby stuff in our built-in wardrobe, I thought of getting a new chest of drawers from IKEA. I’ve decided that all baby furnitures/fittings must be in white, I do not want any headache thinking what theme color for the baby’s room in the future. Been looking through IKEA website and decided to get this Brimnes chest of drawers that cost RM339, good enough for baby stuff.

brimnes-chest-of-drawers-white__rm339

However, when we were in IKEA and Andrew saw this ↓

brimnes-chest-of-drawers-white__rm369

“Isn’t this more worth it and cheaper?” I checked the price, RM369! Just RM30 more and I get a bigger chest! Geez…… Lucky Andrew saw it, else I would be banging my head. It further proves that this is a good buy, I get to store Lucy’s stuff and clothes and the bottom drawer for my cosmetic and skincare. The quality is good. Love how easy it is to pull out the drawer. Now I have another headache, gotta baby-proof all the drawers in the future. :(

Then we picked up some textiles for baby. We’ve gone to other supermarkets to look for bedsheet and quilt, they’re so expensive! I can’t believe bedsheet and quilt for baby are almost the same price with adult size. IKEA is still cheaper.

fantasidjur-quilt-cover-pillowcase-for-cot__rm29.9

 Fantasidjur quilt cover with pillow case – RM29.90

skamtsam-quilt-cover-pillowcase-for-cot__rm39.90

Skamtsam quilt cover with pillow case – RM39.90

jollra-bumper-pad__rm59

 Jollra cot bumper pad – RM59

len-quilt-for-cot-white__rm49.9

LEN quilt for cot – RM49.90

len-fitted-sheet-for-cot-white__rm39.9

LEN fitted sheet for cot 2 pieces – RM39.90

leka-rattle__rm11.90

Leka rattle – RM11.90 (Bought this because they’re so cute)

Since Andrew’s mom would be coming and we need more kitchen storage for all the stuff needed during my confinement, we bought some shelves to be put in the kitchen. We bought two OMAR shelving unit, at RM119 each. Very sturdy. You can adjust the height of the shelf to your need. The only cons is stuff may slip off the shelf since it’s edge-less. What Andrew did to one of the shelves is to reverse the top shelf, bottom-up. We put mugs and dishes on it and don’t have to worry they’ll slip off.

omar-shelving-unit__rm119

On our way out to the cashier, we picked up this Helmer drawer unit with castors. It was on special price for RED color, I can’t remember exactly how much it was. The original price is RM139, we got it definitely lower than RM100, maybe RM88. I use it as a bed-side table for baby’s and my stuff. I must say this is another good buy too. I can organise my stuff into each different drawer. The not-so-good point is that the drawers do not have “stopper”, you have to be careful when you open it. If you open it too fast, the whole drawer will just slide out and you may hurt yourself. Again, headache now that I too have to baby-proof this. -__-

helmer-drawer-unit-on-castors-white__rm139

In another visit, we saw this Poang armchair on special price! It was so cheap! Normal price is RM269, during Chinese New Year it was RM189. Of course, only RED color was on promotion. Without hesitation, Andrew bought it. He said very worth it wor, as my dad bought a Pello armchair which has slightly lower quality at RM169. I asked him where are we going to put this chair, the living room already has a rattan chair. He said he would find some place to put. Men, when they want something, there’s no stopping them.

poang-armchair__RM269

We didn’t buy a changing table. For me, I thought just change baby on our bed lah, easier and we get to sit down. Just buy a waterproof changing mat will do. Andrew’s friend, upon hearing that I was pregnant, immediately offered to lend us his changing table. He said no need to buy, just borrow will do ’cause only use it for few months, and he too lent it to his sister. So grateful to have friends like this. It turned out that the changing table is useful. Actually it’s not expensive, it’s just that if we were to buy it, we will have to either give it away or find some place to keep it.

sniglar-changing-table-white__rm99

Sniglar changing table – RM99 (not including the mat)

I’m lucky that I bought my baby cot and cot mattress from a friend, almost like giving for free as she sold them to me cheap! Can’t imagine how much I will have to spend if I had to buy a new one.

That’s it for now for our IKEA trips. Going to make another trip soon.

Shitty Memory

When I saw the posts in my WP admin board, I went “what the f……”

My memory is so bad now that I actually forgot that I’ve written the same thing last month!

double post

 

First, I didn’t believe that pregnancy could mess up our memories, just a little yes, but I didn’t know it would be serious.

And I didn’t believe that even after birth our memories continue to be shitty, and it will only get worse.

It’s so bad that sometimes I forget what I want to say/do in an instance.

I’ve asked Andrew many times, “did I tell you xxxx before?” His answer will always be “yes you did”. -__-

Sometimes when we eat out, “come, let’s go……” “Hey…… We’ve yet to pay ok” He would remind me. @__@

Went to do some grocery shopping, “what do you want to buy?” “Ummm… let me think… wait…… oh…… hhmmm…… I remember I need to get something for Lucy…… I still could remember it when we left home you know…… ARGH!!! Forget it!”

“Where is the wedding dinner?” “Corus.” “Oh…… I think you told me before.” “Yes, I did, my dear.”

“I remember you told me you’re going somewhere this weekend.” “Yes, to service my car.” Few days later I asked him the same question again. LOL!

“How are you going to go to the graduation ceremony after you send your car for servicing?” “Carlyn will come fetch me.” And I asked him again on that day. LOL!

When I saw my boss walked past, “hey boss, I’ve something to ask you…… *2 seconds later* I’m sorry, I forgot what it is……” “You come look for me when you recall.” @__@

Went into the kitchen, then I looked around. Bloody hell, forgot why I went to the kitchen.

I can go on and on.

So, if you read my breastfeeding post before, please pardon me. Hahahaha.

Any remedy to improve our memory?

I’m Sorry I Gave Up Breastfeeding

I planned to breastfeed my baby even before I got pregnant. It is only natural wanting to breastfeed your own child and the benefits of breastfeeding outweighs everything else. I told Andrew you better pray hard that I can breastfeed successfully because it is going to save us a lot of money from buying formula milk. I guess he did not pray hard enough.

I know breastfeeding is not going to be easy. However, neither did I think it would be so tough. I guess I overestimated myself. Being confident is one thing, being over-confident is another. I also blame it on the non-breastfeeding friendly hospital. They did not offer me good breastfeeding advice, I will say they didn’t even teach me.

The first night after I gave birth, the nurse just came and shove baby’s mouth to my breast. She did not teach me the correct position, the correct latch, how it looks like, how it should feel. When baby took my breast, I felt the suckle and milk did flow and that’s it. I thought that was it.

Second night after I went home, I continued to breastfeed. However, later that night, baby kept crying. Andrew and his mom said that baby did not have enough milk and they wanted to top up formula. Andrew went out to buy formula milk. I was so sad because I know I had milk and baby was crying not because of milk, they just didn’t trust my mother instinct.

Baby liked to sleep, partly because she had jaundice. No matter what we did (seriously we tried everything) to wake her up, she would stay asleep. I’ve never seen such a sleepy baby! Without baby suckling, I started to have engorgement. I resorted to breast pump to help empty the milk. I did not know that the flange of the breast pump was too small for me and it caused me to have sore nipples.

The following days, I always felt pain whenever baby suckle. On the 6th day, baby got admitted to hospital because of her jaundice and needed photo-therapy. That day, she wanted to be fed every 1 to 2 hour! That night, it was so painful that I cried when she suckled and Andrew told me to stop. I went back to pumping again.

I felt the pain constantly. I have friends came to visit me to see if I got the right latch, we even went to see a lactation consultant and they all said it’s the right latch. But I still felt the pain! Some said the pain was normal, some said it was not. I was so confused and frustrated and sad. There were nights the pain was constant and I couldn’t sleep. It was like someone who scrape your nipples with broken glasses!

The breast pump couldn’t empty my breasts efficiently, I ended up in hand-expressing. I managed to feed my baby breast milk through bottle. But I wasn’t contented. I wanted the bonding of direct latching. Some days I would try latching her again and she refused, some days she would take it but the pain was still unbearable. My sore nipples never healed. It is a mystery to this day why they did not heal even after I stopped direct latching.

Finally, I developed early signs of mastitis. Fever, shiver, cold, aches…… A kind friend who is also a lactation consultant offered help. She said I had blocked ducts and she could help me cleared them and I could breastfeed again. I went. I was happy and confident that I could breastfeed again. However, the pain never went away. My friend told me I just had to bear with it. Later that night, it was so painful that I was crying out loud while baby suckled. I went through it only to find out the nipple cracked and the pain was so intense. That night, Andrew told me it’s time to give up and he didn’t want to see me suffer anymore. He said I wasn’t happy for the past one month, and if I fell sick, how am I supposed to take care of the baby? I’ve been struggling with the whole breastfeeding experience for more than a month.

I listened to him and I stopped.

I regret my decision. But I can’t blame him because I know he hates to see his wife suffers.

All I could blame is I did not get as much help as I could. And the timing. If I wasn’t going back to Johor that week, I would have stayed with my friend for a few days and probably, just probably, that I would be able to breastfeed till today.

Until today, I still can’t help but feel guilty. I will comfort myself that at least she has gotten 1 and a half months of breast milk, better than nothing. But I know I could have given her more.

All the articles on the internet promoting breastfeeding aren’t helping with my guilt. Sometimes I got so pissed at these people, have they not thought of people who really can’t breastfeed? There are people who really can’t breastfeed due to medical reason and physical constraint. What are they going to do if not offering formula milk? Oh yes, you will say almond milk and so many other alternatives. But they’re not easily available.

Anyway, I am happy to see Lucy is thriving.

Now I just have to focus on taking good care of her, make sure she’s happy. Happy baby, happy mommy.

P.S.: I lost that breastfeeding bond, I make sure I bond with her more in other ways. I cradle her to sleep, I sing to her whenever possible, I talk to her, I carry her whenever I like, I massage her…… I don’t care if people are telling me that I’m spoiling her. I am spoiling her, with my love. If you have an issue with that, talk to my palm, go raise your own children.

When I Become A Parent

I used to get annoyed with baby’s crying.
When I become a parent,
My baby’s cries don’t sound as annoying anymore.

I used to feel disgusting when I see baby’s poo.
When I become a parent,
I examine the poo just to make sure she’s healthy.

I used to jump and stay as far as possible when baby poops.
When I become a parent,
I used my hand to catch the poo (as there was nothing nearby I could use to prevent it from spraying across the room!).

I used to think getting angry with the baby was stupid.
When I become a parent,
I understand even the newborn could drive you up the walls and it’s not stupid to feel angry.

I used to think “poor mommy” when the baby cries hysterically in the shopping mall.
When I become a parent,
I don’t give a f*** what you think, my baby needs to EAT/SLEEP/CHANGE DIAPER!

I used to say “I will never feed my child in an open shaded area under the hot sun”.
When I become a parent,
I realised it is inevitable that you have to feed anywhere, any time, rain or shine.

I used to snort at parents when they used a long harness to prevent their children from running too far away.
When I become a parent,
I know I have to do everything I could to protect my child.

I used to feel agitated when children banging the dishes/cutlery/table in a restaurant.
When I become a parent,
I figure anything that can keep my baby calm and occupied, I will do it.

I used to say I will not bring my child to certain places just so that I can enjoy peaceful moments.
When I become a parent,
I want to bring my baby anywhere I go because I want to be with her.

I used to wonder why my friends are always late.
When I become a parent,
I have to get ready 2 hours before I leave the house and I will still be late.

When I become a parent, I learned one thing.
You will do all the things that every parent will do. Hahahahaha.

There is no bad parent in the world, we are all the same somehow. :)

Marriage Is An Act

Yes, marriage is an act because it is something that we have to constantly WORK on. It is not just a piece of paper with our beautiful signatures (my signature on my marriage certificate is ugly though, LOL) on it, nor is it a status that merely says you are now not available to date other guys/girls. The WORK doesn’t end the day you tie the knot. In fact, the WORK starts the day you say “till death do us part”.

I’m not an expert in marriage and I don’t give advice on relationship. I am just expressing my views.

Recently, I’ve read this piece of article written by some columnist, “5 reasons we can’t handle marriage anymore“. It has gone viral. There are people who praised the author for being spot on and of course, there are people who slammed the author for writing such a sh**y stuff since he failed his own marriage.

I’m not here to argue or support his points, I just think that there are more than 5 reasons that we can’t handle marriage anymore (well, some of us still can).

Sex, finances, social media aren’t good reasons that marriages don’t work. Yes, sex is important, but it’s not everything. Just like money, it is of course important, but money can’t buy everything. I’m pretty sure a couple will be able to work things out when the finances are tough. However, if one is unwilling to compromise and work it out, even the smallest stuff can cripple a marriage.

I’m not perfect, Andrew is not perfect (although he is close enough in my eyes :) ). There are times that we get so frustrated with each other but, we still respect each other. He is still the person I go to when I need advices, he still listens to my crappy stories, he still asks me to go movie with him and he still wants to spend time with me. If one of us doesn’t make the effort, this marriage won’t work (seeing that I got my temper and he’s got his own temper).

We are not rich, we earn enough to make ends meet. Now with a new family member (or I should say 3 since his parents are staying with us too :P), we have to work out how to spread the expenses. So, no, finances can’t be the reason that marriage doesn’t work. As husband and wife, sharing the load is essential. Unless you have a husband or wife that is rich enough to pay for all the expenses alone, sharing is definitely CARING. I can’t imagine if Andrew wouldn’t want to share the load, that would mean that he doesn’t care.

Social media is not a good reason that marriage don’t work. Yes, Andrew and I do spend time on our handphones browsing Facebook and stuff. However, we will tell each other if one finds the other person is doing it excessively. I will tell him I don’t like it when he spends too much time on his laptop, and he will tell me the same too when I am glued to my handphone all day. Communication is the key. If you don’t communicate, social media is the least you should worry about. In fact, technology helps us get closer. He would text me during the day, before this without WhatsApp, we didn’t “talk” to each other when we’re at work, until we finally met after work.

To me, the keys to maintain a marriage have never changed. It is our attitude to marriage that has changed. People now are more susceptible to temptations and having low tolerance to stress, when they hit an obstacle, they simply give up or give in instead of finding ways to make things work.

Andrew and I too experience ups and downs of a marriage. We too will argue and fight, but we will try to tell each other what we dislike before it becomes a fight later on. Years ago some incident happened, it is something I did not share with anyone. I did not even blog about it, but it is some thing I will never forget, a constant reminder. We worked it out fortunately. That’s because our love for each other is strong and we could not give up on the other person. I cannot imagine if he gave up.

So, to handle marriage and to make it work, requires a lot of work and effort. It is an everyday’s work. Nobody says marriage is easy. We can’t put the blame on the external factors for our failed marriages. We can only blame ourselves for not trying harder. Social media? Not getting enough sex? No money? Technology? They’re all excuses. As long as both parties are willing, things will work out. When one party fails, the whole marriage fails too.

I set my parents as an example. I will want to be like them, grow old together with my other half through thick and thin.

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