Why Are We Even Friends?

When I was reading Dan’s blog, We Shouldn’t Be Friends by Any Account, the people that came to my mind were them:

Friendship

More often than not, we make most of our friends when we are in school. Those friends, are our classmates, also partners in crimes, and friends. When we go to college, we make new friends too, if you’re lucky. When we start working, we have co-workers/colleagues, some of these people become our friends too. You see, the places where we make new friends, are pretty much, predictable. Of course, there are examples of making new friends over the internet and some other strange places. For me, I met this bunch of incredible people in a wedding forum.

It started with us ladies, planning our weddings. We needed information, where else to go to when the world wide web is the easiest and fastest way. We joined this wedding forum, we exchanged ideas, information, advices, thoughts, opinions, jokes, tears…… Five of us, got especially close to each other. Why? I don’t know.

Then, it blossomed into real-life friends. We met up, with the rest of the bride-to-be’s. However, five of us would meet more frequent. We even had our own chat group on MSN and every night we would gather at 8pm or 9pm and chat. We talked about everything under the sky and we laughed at almost every joke.

In between, things happened. Can’t remember what exactly, I’d like to think that’s just how things work.

First, it was only us, the ladies. We’re not really close in age. Our age gap is in between 3 to 6 years. We also come from different places and we were brought up in different culture. We are actually very different. Somehow, we click. Not in a million years I thought I could be friends with them.

Melissa, aka Mel Mel, is the “gentle” one among us. She laughs, she jokes, she talks, but she’s never loud. Once in a while she will say something that crack all of us up big time. She LOVES food, and she doesn’t like HOT. However, she would go under the hot sun for food. Hahahahaha. Usually, I will snort at this sort of “puteri lilin”. C’mon lah, you’re living in Malaysia, if you can’t stand the sun and hot weather, where else can you go? But, we are still friends. The rest of us will always make fun of her “puteri lilin” side, but she’s cool with that.

Wan Yi, we call her “Ah Yi” most of the times. :P She has the loudest laugh!!! When she gets excited, she will laugh so loud that we all at one point think the walls are going to collapse! She’s the youngest among us, we all sometimes treat her like lil’ sister. She is Singaporean. You know, I’m very sceptical towards Singaporean. I usually can’t stand them. To top that, Wan Yi is so much younger than me, she’s even younger than my younger sister. I don’t always click with “small” sister. But well, we are still friends. She has a big heart, she can take whatever crap this BIG sister throws at her. :p

There’s Nicole, we nicknamed her “Ah Nic”. She can cook and bake good stuff! We used to go to her home and eat! Hahahaha. And Wii-ing together. I don’t see her as often as the rest, but we still keep in touch. She will always make effort to meet us. I don’t usually have a lot to talk to friends that I don’t see regularly. You know, that awkward moment when you meet a friend that you didn’t see for a long time, you go “hello, how are you”, and the silence that follows…… Somehow, Nicole is an exception.

Honestly, they’re not exactly the type of friends I would be seen associated with if you look at my personality. However, it turned out that they’re the closest friends that I now have. We don’t get jealous of each other, we don’t badmouth each other, we don’t lie to each other…… We agree, but we also disagree. We have good and bad times, but our hearts still bring us together. I guess Dan is true in saying, friends just kind of “happen.”

Over the time, we include our husbands. Surprisingly, our husbands get along just fine. We often go out and travel together. We don’t really care how much the other person is earning and the background, so long as we are happy together.

Friends, may not always be there. So, be grateful when they are.

Friends

I used to have a lot of friends, good friends, best friends…… Most of them are history now. I wish someone could have told me when I was much younger that true friends show up only when you’re in trouble. That would have prepared me for all the heartaches.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Friendship

Photo by Melissa, taken in Bangkok, May 2012.

Who would have thought that the 6 of us would stick together for so long……

All of us are of different age and background. All of us are so different, and yet we are together. I don’t have friends who’s my age that could make such great effort in maintaining a friendship. Speaking of maturity huh?

Thanks to Melissa for always being the understanding one.

Thanks to Wan Yi for always being the compromising one.

It is the little mutual understanding that 3 of us have, that “wanting to make effort in this” factor, that actually pull us together.

Pray that what binds us will not be broken, for as long as we live.

*Muaks* Love you all.

I Wonder

…… She pretends nothing ever happened? Or she decided it was all a mistake and wants to get back in my life? Or she conveniently forgot what she has written and done to me?

She, again, starts leaving comments in my Facebook, as if nothing ever happened between us. She, is doing it again.

I was naive enough to believe that “this time would be different”. Am I still so naive to believe in that again? No. As the saying goes, once bitten, twice shy. What’s more that I’ve got bitten too many times.

It still hurts whenever I think of it. Well, not as much as it did. It’s just like bruises, the moment you got yourself bruised, it hurt madly. Then, before it dissolves to nothing, it hurts a little whenever you touch it. And you won’t notice the bruises if you do not touch it. That’s how it feels right now.

I chose to ignore the comments most of the time. I hope that she wouldn’t say I am ignoring her or do not care about her anymore. Hey, why do I still care about what she may say or think? Geez, it’s hard to learn not to care.

Some may tell me, let bygones be bygones, forgive and forget. I am sorry, I am not that great. I can forgive, but certainly I cannot forget. I have no problem with forgiving, but I would not forget what and why I forgive. To me, there is only forgiven, not forgotten. When I ask for forgiveness from someone, I too do not expect the other person to forget. Imagine someone slapped you and asked for your forgiveness, you choose to forgive, but you could never forget how that tight slap felt on your face! Unintentionally? Well, the pain is still there!

I am trying very hard not to be bothered by it. I hope I could brace myself enough to smile and say hi whenever I see her. It has come to a point I did not know what to do when I saw her the last time around. I felt so uneasy and awkward. Guilt? Shame? Detest? I have no idea. Do you?

It is funny, to see how big the impact the broken friendship has made on my life. I truly wish that no one would have to go through what I have been through. It costs too much of emotions, cuts too deep and hurts gravely.

Read something interesting somewhere last week:
You get hurt, because you care.  One could never gets hurt if one does not care. 不在乎的话,就不会受伤.

How true it is.

When Being The Best Is Not Enough

15 years of friendship, been through all the ups and downs together. I was so full of confidence that nothing could tear us apart and the friendship would grow stronger. I overestimated our friendship. Or I shall say, I overestimated myself to have the strength to maintain a friendship with her.

I may not be a good friend, but whenever she needed help, I would have done all I could to be there. When she needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there ready to take in all her craps. When she wanted a companion during her low times, I compromised my other commitments to be with her. I was prepared to be there for her, all she needed to do was just ask and call.

She is a person who would always want to share her feelings and thoughts with me. I appreciate her trust in me. On the other hand, I am not one that would share every little thing with a friend. I share when I feel there is a need. It is so often that she misunderstood I did not treat her as a best friend.

I love to comfort and advise. At times, I realised I have talked too much. Sometimes all she wanted was a listener. I have offended her a few times too when I said the hardest thing to bring her back to the reality. I admitted I was wrong and I apologised. I am fortunate that I was forgiven too. To avoid hurting her again, I chose not to talk or comment so much. After all, she is an adult, she knows exactly what to do. I, as a best friend, should give her the support that she needed.

I talked less, and listened more. I was happier that way. But she didn’t feel the same. She said I have changed and I was ignoring her by not talking to her. I was disappointed that she felt that way. Obviously, talking and listening too much weren’t all she wanted. I did not know what she wanted from me anymore. However, I was too stubborn to let go. No, I shouldn’t let go of something I have put so much effort in. That is just not me, I never give up easily. I picked up the pieces, moved on. Communicated with her all over again and I thought we have finally reached some mutual understanding that could make our friendship last forever.

When she is busy, she expects me to accommodate to her busy schedule. When I am busy, she expects me to accommodate to her out of my busy schedule. I grumbled a bit, but I did all I could. Sometimes I disappointed her, I am sorry. But I know I have done my best.

For her, I never ask for anything in return. It has never crossed my mind to ask her to repay any of my kindness. I believe the friendship was mutual. It was so sweet of her to always insist on sending me home because she feels guilty of asking me out. I’ve told her don’t be, as she is “the only one that I’d never get calculating with”.

After so long, I now feel like a drying well. I have been providing and giving constantly. She never notices how much is left of me to be able to provide and give. Whenever it is drying, I would dig deeper to replenish the well. The deeper I dig, the harder it gets to replenish. I am so deep under the ground, waiting for the rain that would never come.

She broke my heart a few times over the years. I, being the strong and stubborn one, picked up the broken pieces on my own, and mended it. The friendship was so precious to me that I wasn’t willing to let go. I was all ready to forgive and move on. I truly believed that bad times could only make the friendship grows stronger than ever.

My heart, that has been broken and mended countless of times, is out of shape. I can’t recognise my heart anymore and I doubt I would be able to mend it one more time.

In my life thus far, I have cried twice because of friends. When I was 11, and now at my 30. I thought I would be mature and strong enough to handle it, I was so wrong. I am not as strong as I thought I was.

I do not feel angry, because the feeling of sadness is too overwhelming.

I do not blame her, I blame myself for not doing enough of what she wanted me to.

My 15 years of friendship, has just been denied by the best friend I have ever had. I finally decide to let go after badly wounded. I can now take all the time in the world to heal my wounds and heart.

From now on, I shall not be blamed for not being an understanding friend. Because, I do not care now. Till the time my heart is ready to believe again.

I am sorry, my BFF. I know friends shouldn’t turn their back on each other, I am not. But I need a break.